Cut out all the ropes and let me fall

As the seasons change, I like to change my music. Sometimes I find myself putting together cd's of 10 songs that I've known and loved for years, and other times I search for that sound I want to reflect the change I desire out of that season. Summer was a blast, this year. It started with an inkling in April to want to lighten my hair one shade lighter, and by Labor day I was a full on blonde, with the most bronze skin (read: cancer I'm sure.) A new job, and a drop in temperature reminded me it was no longer summer, but I just didn't feel up to it. There was a something missing. Had I ignored the back to school sales? And why wasn't I excited for Pumpkin lattes and apple pies? I completely missed my fantasy football draft.

About a week and a half ago I decided I was going to get into it. I ordered that goddamn pumpkin latte, and started wearing jackets over sweaters to work (it helps that my bay is -10 degrees.) I changed my sheets from a lighter spring colour to a dark fall, and resumed a diet that involved soup and crackers. And most importantly I crafted a list of songs to put on a cd that would help inspire the proper mood. Here is said list, and I hope you check out some of these songs. Some are brand new, some are new to me, some are old faithfuls, but all have made me happy.

1. Steady, As She Goes - The Raconteurs

Sometimes a song by Jack White is the epitome of the fall season to me.

2. Look At Me (When I Rock Wichoo) - Black Kids

If I could live in motion to a song, this might be it.

3. Heads Will Roll - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

There's a lot to be said about parties in the summer versus parties in the fall and winter. This song makes me think about nights out that start in the dark (not like sunny afternoon Bar-b-ques) and end with glitter on the dance floor.

4. L.E.S. Artistes - Santigold

I've just come around to hearing Santigold (though a handful of people saw her at the Bowl this summer) It reminds me of that song by Til Tuesday, Voices Carry.

5. Gimme Sympathy - Metric

"Who would you rather be? The Beatles, or The Rolling Stones?"

6. My Year In Lists - Los Campesinos!

This song reminds me of buying school supplies, passing notes in school, and sharpening new pencils to write out said lists. The new year is right around the corner, you know...

7. Empire State of Mind - Jay-Z Ft. Alicia Keys

I love a song that pays homage to a city, especially New York, a city that experiences the change of the seasons so visually. And Alicia belts out the hook so beautifully. Goddamn, I said Goddamn.

8. She-Wolf - Shakira

Halloween is coming up, and this song has disguise all over it. Aren't the costumes we wear on halloween secretly who we'd like to be all the time? Okay, maybe not...(this'll be especially funny to those of you privileged to see my costume on the 31st)

9. Skinny Love - Bon Iver

"Cut out all the ropes and let me fall"

10. Heartless - Kanye West

I threw this on here because I just felt like I needed to get in touch with the cold. This song is about a woman so heartless, and mother nature herself does that to us once a year. We know she'll be warm again, though. That's why not all of us live in Florida.

11. Many Moons - Janelle Monea

I saw Janelle in concert and she painted while she sang during one song. Fans were clamoring for the painting at the end of the song for good reason.

12. Your Heart is an Empty Room - Death Cab for Cutie

This song is a recent re-discovery. In listening to the hits of Plans, this one sort of always escaped my attention. I think of songs about Summer Love, and how this is a response to those, how after the summer, the truth sets in, and how you see so many possibilities. We are a fickle warrior, I suppose.

Buffalo Stance:

Whos that gigolo on the street
With his hands in his pockets and his crocodile feet
Hanging off the curb, looking all disturbed
At the boys from home. they all came running
They were making noise, manhandling toys
Thats the girls on the block with the nasty curls
Wearing padded bras sucking beers through straws
Dropping down their drawers, where did you get yours?

Gigolo, huh, sukka?
Gigolo. gigolo, huh, sukka?

Whos looking good today?
Whos looking good in every way?
No style rookie
You better watch dont mess with me

No moneyman* can win my love
Its sweetness that Im thinking of.
We always hang in a buffalo stance
We do the dive every time we dance
Ill give you love baby not romance
Ill make a move nothing left to chance
So dont you get fresh with me

Get funky. yeah timmy.
Tell it like it is. check out this dj.

So you say you wanted money but you know its never funny
When your shoes worn through and theres a rumble in your tummy
But you had to have style get a gold tooth smile
Put a girl on the corner so you can make a pile
Committed a crime and went inside
It was coming your way but you had to survive
When you lost your babe, you lost the race
Now youre looking at me to take her place.

Whos looking good today?
Whos looking good in every way?
No style rookie
You better watch dont mess with me

Smokin. not cokin. get funky sax.
Looking good, hanging with the wild bunch.
Looking good in a buffalo stance.
Looking good when it comes to the crunch
Looking goods a state of mind
State of mind dont look behind you
State of mind or youll be dead
State of mind may I remind you
Bomb the bass...rock this place!
What is he like? whats he like anway?
Yo man what do you expect the guys a gigolo man
You know I mean?

No moneyman can win my love
Its sweetness that Im thinking of.
We always hang in a buffalo stance
We do the dive every time we dance
Ill give you love baby not romance
Ill make a move nothing left to chance
So dont you get fresh with me

Wind on my face, sound in my ears
Water from my eyes, and you on my mind
As I sink, diving down deep...deeper into your soul.

*I always thought she said monkeyman.

Direction is irrelevant

I am sitting in a very cold room. There are a great number of negative things I could say about this room, and why I'm sitting here, and what it means to be sitting here, but the only negative I'll dwell on is that it is cold, and the cold is making me unpleasant. But not unpleasant enough to make me unfriendly, or difficult to be around, or at least I hope it doesn't. I, like many people, like to think of myself as an easy going member of the community, who is enjoyable to be around, and can be valued, and even cherished. These are the hopes I would have for my personality. Sometimes I feel like personality can be detached from ourselves, like it's a thing that lingers above our heads. It isn't though. 

I often wonder how many people don't like me. People who have met me and decided they didn't need me in their life, that my personality, the one attached to me, was one they could do without. I wonder why they could do without it, and remember that no one can like everyone all the time. It's just the way it is. I certainly don't like everyone. Hell, as I get older, I like having fewer and fewer people around me. I guess that's why I feel so lucky when I'm with the handful of people I love, because they've chosen to spend the little time they have on God's green earth with little old me. It's a strange thing to conceptualize, the choice of what to do with the fleeting minutes of our lives. So often we're "bored" or "lonely" or reaching to do something interesting, when in reality just being should be good enough. 

For now I'm just going to be cold in this room and be happy with that. 

I am still living with your ghost

A few months back I made it my personal mission to write a blog once a day for a week. I hoped that it would renew some sort of desire to write, having found it difficult to adjust to the new blog format I had chosen. It clearly didn't work. I went 2 months without writing anything until today, and I'm not proud of it. The truth is, I just haven't had much to say. 

I wonder why that is? why I could go months and months and months at a time where I almost had to blog twice a day, to now barely being able to string sentences together? Maybe I should start out small and work my way up to something with a little more content. 

Starting small I can say that I went to Boston on a whim and had no idea what I was in for, and in the middle of a Saturday I found myself sitting under a shady tree, eating a falafel with a great friend, in the grass of Boston Common. It was the second time this year where I found myself in that space, in Boston Common experiencing a very magical moment, and there was this sense of ease. I realize that this feeling has been more and more frequent in my life. It's rewarding and tells me I'm doing something right with my life. I might be single, and jobless right now, but I'm not lost, broke or alone. And I'm certainly not unhappy. 

Harder to Get Out Of

I'm not entirely sure if I've become better at my new job and I'm finishing projects faster, or I've begun to settle into the routine of it. But just like that *poof* it's going to be over in a number of days, and I'll be back at what always feels like square one. I'm not as prepared for unemployment as I should be, but I have a feeling, like most of my stints, it won't last too long.

I have this undeniable feeling that I'm missing something. Like the feeling of a phantom limb. As if there's a portion of my life that I'm seriously neglecting or missing. Bills, work, friends: I seem to be on top of it, but I can't quite help but feel like someone, or something out there needs me, and I don't even know it. I do know that I have a stack of emails that I, at one point in time, intended to respond to, one being my childhood friend, with whom I haven't had correspondence with since I was 11-years-old. She's a graphic designer somewhere in Quebec  now. It's strange, but it isn't really, that most of my closest friends while I was growing up moved on to do something creative with their lives. It makes me so happy to hear that. It makes me so proud to be a part of that. 

Sometimes I wish I was more contributive, and less creative. I've been watching The West Wing lately and it serves as a reminder that there is a group of people far more intellectual than me, that have ever right to laugh when I tell them what I do. "We create the laws and policies you live by, and dictate the way in which this country moves" they could say. I am envious, because I know that, even if I did feel I had the brain capacity to take part in this, I wouldn't have the drive or the stamina to be a part of that culture. It's a shame really. I shouldn't complain, though. I take part in something that makes millions of people happy (or irritated, I don't know, really. I would have to watch non biased people watch the show...)

In completely unrelated news: Jessica Simpson bought Tony Romo a boat for his birthday. A BOAT. I don't know why this makes me roll my eyes as hard as I can, maybe because she's no longer relevant yet still has the money to buy her boyfriend a $100,000 boat. I guess if I were her i'd want to do the same thing. After all, love is fleeting, and she knows this. She had to see pictures of her ex having sex with some MTV VeeJay in an infinity pool. I've decided to limit my crushes to a week MAX. Not worth letting emotions get out of control and in the way of bigger and better things, really. Compton's already claimed the week of June 29th. I wonder what Katty Kay and her Womenomics have to say about that? 

Like I never needed love before

I had to buy a new air freshner for my car. I choose the one that hangs over my mirror now for two reasons 1. it was a pink dolphin 2. the scent advertised was "Love Spell." For your information, Love Spell is similar smelling to all designer impostor perfumes that you can buy at the dollar store. I didn't realize love was so cheap. 

This just started playing on my iTunes: 

When I was 17 there was a big part of me that was too embarrassed to admit to liking the Spice Girls. Now, at 28, I regret not having gone to their "reunion" tour. I love losing that "cool," because it makes me feel so much cooler. I know that doesn't make much sense, but releasing that fear of other people's opinions, and just loving what you love is so satisfying. I loved the new Star Trek movie. I thought it was great, and fun, and I'm probably going to see it again, and I'm unapologetic for thinking that, though Karl Urban might have been over the top, I enjoyed every minute of his version of "Bones" McCoy. I have plans to see Ghosts of Girlfriends' Past, and truth be told, I'll probably like that one just as much (so long as Matthew McCone-unspellablelastname-ghey and Jennifer Garner end up together in the end *fingers crossed*) 

Button on my Tongue

You made me laugh today without even knowing it. Not a loud belly laugh, or a coy blush, but a genuine laugh. I could feel it in my heart. I could feel it in my gut. Guts...that's a funny word. 

I listen to this soft sweet music right now. It makes me want to dance in a cotton dress, barefoot in the grass and under the stars, with this hot wind whipping around me, my hair dancing to its own rhythm. I'm happy to be able to say that I do remember the last time my toes felt the grass between them. Now if only I could remember the last time my toes felt the sand. 

My hands are a mess. I can't stop biting and peeling the skin off them. I gnaw at my nails constantly. I suppose it's an attempt to cool my jets. I know I'm nervous about the new job. I can't tell how I'm doing because the feedback seems to always be positive in this industry, no matter what they might be saying when you're not around. One day I'm going to bite away the fingerprints.