A Roller Coaster, not a Merry-Go-Round

I'm sorry your stepmother is a nympho

2010-10-05T17:49:00.000-07:00

"The whole situation, it's complicated." That's what was just said on the sequence I'm playing behind me. None of what I should be working on seems to be properly prepared for me and I lack the direction on what to do next, and therefore thoughts began to swim in my head. Of course the situation is complicated. It's rarely simple. Real people have a hard enough time figuring things out. Once you throw in the paranormal all bets are off.

I'm having a rough self esteem day. Ever get those? I look at a hundred pictures of myself(guestimate, I didn't actually count) and in most I prefer what I looked like then to how I look now. Granted, looking through folders of pictures I remember that I, at the time they were brought on to my harddrive, I must have omitted those I did not like. So I am looking at the cream of the crop, and compare them to what I look like on a rainy Tuesday in October, when I already feel shitty about myself. In response I eat a bag of carrots and go for a walk around the neighborhood right before it begins to pour. And somehow by the end of my walk I've talked myself into walking confident. Somehow it changes how I look. I don't know how I do it, but I do it.

September was a pretty forgettable time, but I learned a great deal of what I can and can't be in control of. October isn't doing me any favors right now, and I'm trying to reel it in. It doesn't realize that I'm the one in charge of this fishing trip.

On Turning 30

2010-08-23T17:57:00.001-07:00

I am days away from my 30th birthday. Some parts of me are filled with dread. I have taken on too much, and made much more of an ordeal out of this occasion, those parts think. Other parts are elated that so many people will be getting together with me, for me. Those parts are ecstatic, and don't know how to properly react. There were tears in the car ride to work today, I think because I was overwhelmed.

When I first reflected upon my birthday, I was worried that I would have an adverse reaction to the day of. 30 seems like such a high number. My mother was younger than 30 when she had me, and growing up, those ideas that life should be built within a set schedule gets tattooed on ones brain. And as I was looking at approaching 30, single, driven by work, feeling slightly bad about how lax I've become regarding any sort of exercise or diet regime, I was frightened of my reaction, without having yet reacted. And on top of my inner dialogue, it's been awfully hard to ignore the tick of that biological clock when you're being invited to 1st birthdays, and baby showers, and weddings (Oh My!)

But I managed to have a conversation with my little sister who reminded me that I've done great in my 20s(frankly I can't ever remember my 20th birthday...) I managed to go back to school and get a degree. I made friends I can now call family. I took control of my health and my body. I experienced real heartache and real love. I decided on not just a job, but a career. And I managed to find a hair color that really suits me. Through this decade I did nothing but improve; I've become closer to the person I've always wanted to be.

So with that in mind, I've concentrated my energy on thinking about what the next decade will yield. What I hope the future holds. Some of those things are superficial: a new car(that black lexus I dream of,) my own place(something with a washer and dryer.) Some of those things are adventurous: a vacation to europe(Paris more specifically,) eat $100 sushi (Nobu has my name on it,) a ride in a helicopter(maybe over a Hawaiian waterfall.) Some of them are for self improvement: take a cooking class, learn how to sew. And some of those things are driven by my human nature: perhaps being with someone who wants to help build this life with me. I look ahead and hope that in this ten year period of time that lays ahead of me fractions of these hopes turn to truths. And even the smallest fraction will make me more complete. And I ask you all to join me in this journey as I walk ahead to that day where this new decade begins.

GFY

2010-05-06T02:59:00.000-07:00

I've spent the last few minutes on myspace, and I can tell you that 1. the blogging format on that website is still my favorite. 2. I used to write really interesting blogs. 3. It's been about two years since those interesting blogs, and I regret that I'm not as interesting, and far more jaded now. I hate the circumstances that have brought me here.

When did I stop thinking I was interesting? I feel like social media websites have really put a kink on self perception. I'm so cautious about what I have to say about myself on facebook. Facebook: A website to judge others. I wish they'd just change "Friends" into "Jurors." Those people that will wonder why you spend so much time updating your status, or playing farmville, or adding pictures of yourself. Fuck that.

I also believe that no one wants to hear my ramblings because my blog has no "purpose." It's not a cooking blog, or a dating blog, it's just a living blog. Well you know what? My blogs are life, that's it. It's just happening. I'm starting to honestly believe that there's nothing bigger, no better truths. My every day dumbness is "it." That's life. And the less I catalogue it, the less I actually care about what's happening to me. And the less I care, the less I'm thankful.

I'm tired of being jaded, unthankful, and disconnected with my own world view. Fuck this.

They say, this is the city.

2010-04-22T00:20:00.000-07:00

Los Angeles is the most exhausting city. Partially it's weather is to blame, partially it's girth. In other places there is a grace period where you can blame the temperature outside for when you choose to not leave the comforts of your home. This city makes you feel lazy when you do that. In other cities you can run out of things to do. In this city I couldn't do everything it had to offer over two or three lifetimes.

I didn't leave the house until I absolutely had to today. I felt bad because of it, for two reasons 1: oftentimes I skip my routine workout so I can run an important errand (usually weekend related) and today I didn't take part in any important errand running and 2. I skipped a workout. I have to remind myself every now and again that skipping a workout won't bring my life to a dead halt, but I do know that not taking part in a workout can ultimately lead to not taking part in a number of workouts.

The other day as I drove home I saw two interesting "Los Angelisms" that I found fascinating 1: a pair of prostitutes dancing on the corner next to a donut shop and 2: a bently (BENTLY!!!) with the license plate "BISHOP" ran the red light at the intersection of Hollywood and Highland. The two instances happened minutes apart from each other, and it really fucks with my perspective on where I am and what should be happening to me.

This weekend I'm going to play bocce ball in the park next to my apartment with a flask in hand. I'm doing it because the weather forecast says it's going to be perfect outside, and wasting Sunday hungover will feel better knowing I was doing something "outdoorsy" while I was getting to that point.

Are you afraid of the dark?

2010-04-16T03:17:00.000-07:00

Briefly:

I used to be terrified of the night when I was little. I insisted that my older sister let me sleep with her (as I got older I learned that she, too, was afraid of the night...of the dark.) I was so afraid, and now, I work primarily in the night...in the dark. I seldomly get scared anymore. I wonder: do I not let myself get into a position to be scared, or am I smart enough to know what's real is often not scary at all, and most things that should scare us either happen instantaneously, or are long and drawn out pains that we build courage, and support so we can not be afraid. Maybe I'm not afraid because I have that. Yet, somehow knowing that I'm not scared anymore kind of scares me...

I miss writing.

Cut on Motion

2010-03-18T23:58:00.001-07:00

I realize several things.

1. it's been a month and a half since I posted that thing about self-betterment and I can honestly tell you that I've failed at getting better. I'm sort of a hamster on a wheel right now, but replace that wheel with a couch, and put some chips in front of that hamster and you have me in the last four weeks. Not good. I have the small goal of feeling good, young and beautiful at one point in the next six months.

2. I started a Tumblr and I tend to throw all my energy into posting dumb pictures and songs on there, which isn't really what a blog is supposed to be. It's like this new loserly way of sharing your feelings. I kind of love how easy it is. I tend to think I was born in the right era because of how slovenly I am.

3. I've started working a creative job that requires me to sit alone in a room for ten hours at a time, and I find myself lonely, with a million thoughts going through my head. Last night I went home, and drank the airplane sampler sized bottle of bailey's my coworker gave me, and watched Nat-Geo (Ghost Ships of the Dead Sea...fascinating) and just couldn't stop my brain. This is a great thing, but a terrible thing when you are too lazy to find an outlet to express it all, and instead just hit the sleep timer on your tv and go to bed.

I guess the theme here is laziness. There are times in my life where I don't feel lazy at all, where I feel guided by routine, and even if there's chaos happening around me, I maintain a certain amount of control over that which needs to be taken care of in my life. This is not one of those times. I'm only about 37% in control. I have a feeling that my ideas are too big to get that percentage higher quicker. I can't be 100% in control any or all of the time. I can climb closer to that number, but I have to remind myself that it won't happen overnight like I'd like it to. So I'd like to be more in control, and I'd like to start accomplishing that soon.

Let's see where this takes us!

You don't know what you've got

2010-02-09T21:30:00.000-08:00

I feel really positive, like change is happening...or is it going back to the a routine I liked? I'm not sure. I rejoined a gym that I had been a member of a while back, then was forced to put my membership on pause. I finally realized that I needed it in my life, because working out isn't something I'm good at doing independently. I kind of need to be told what to do when it comes to that kind of stuff. Other things in my life I'm highly self motivated at doing. I do my taxes promptly every year, and pay *most* of my bills early(well, at least on time.) But when it comes to exercise I'm generally lost in the dark. The same goes with eating well. I imagine the way I think about food is the way that alcoholics think about booze. Right now I'm well aware that there's a drawer full of chocolate, and two bags of Doritos in this office. Since I walked in today that's all I've been able to think about. I haven't touched either yet, which is a huge feat right now. I'm proud of myself, and I know that at some point tonight I'm going to eat my lean cuisine and my awful bag of carrots and broccoli, and it'll feel good. I don't want to change the way I look, really, I'm pretty happy with that(except for my hair length, I need some serious Peanut Butter Solution to make this shit grow) but I'd love to change the way I feel.

Next on the roster is cleaning my room. I'm finding it really difficult to keep my whole life in one room. It's expanding and protruding from all sides. I go to people's houses who seem to have an immaculate living situation, yet here I am with what looks like JUNK everywhere. I'm not a contender for "Hoarders" by any means, but I just am really feeling the amount of STUFF that's pressing down on my life, and my inability to really organize it in a way that makes me feel comfortable. In about three weeks a team of people are going to come to my house to replace the carpet in my room (THANK GOD) and I'll have to move everything out of it for them to do this, and it scares me to have to move all my Junk back in. I'm hoping to be able to use this time to really sort through the stuff I just don't need and manage to keep that which I really do use.

I don't think life should feel like an uphill battle, but I'm afraid some aspects of it always will. I'm always going to struggle with food, and I'm always going to want to keep all these useless things because they have some sort of sentiment to me. But I need to remind myself that it's not things that will be missed at the end of our days. It never is. Though sometimes I think "I wish I hadn't lost that other arm warmer at Disneyland...it really did go well with my fall jacket..." Oh well.

I wish I were as good at life as I am at my job

2010-01-27T01:24:00.000-08:00

What up January? Yeah, it's me, Becky, calling. Do you remember me saying that 2010 was going to be our year? Yeah it was. But guess what, there are 5 days left in you and you've managed to make it feel like 2010 is going to be WORSE than 2009! How are you letting that happen? There have been multiple missteps, speed bumps. A serious shame attack, seven day work weeks, a terrible cold, five days straight of rain in Los Angeles, dental surgery? The number of "Thank You" notes I've had to write in 2010 are staggering. And don't even try to begin to convince me that these things are "Character building." It's bullshit. Well, I'm calling to let you know that you can make it up to me on the last three days of the month. Yup, you guessed it. You'll be making sure that my three days in San Francisco are completely fabulous as compensation for the severe shittiness of the rest of the month of January. You have the chance to save some face here.

Oh and stop playing so much Sigur Ros when I put my iPod on shuffle in the car. I get it, life is sweetly sad and deserves a painful soundtrack right now. And I can never keep track of the umlaut's and the number of "h's" in my favorite songs and you just want to remind me which ones are worth listening to, but I don't need to know just how sad it should feel to be every third song . Every 13th or 14th is just fine, and you can even keep throwing in that Radiohead as a bookend, but still, every 3rd is excessive.

December was SO good, and I have a calendar that says February will be the same as December, so why did you suck so goddamn hard, January? You sucked like you could actually figure out how many licks it took to get to the center of that tootsie pop. I hate you, and I'm hanging up now.

Oral Hijinx

2010-01-26T00:34:00.000-08:00

Dr. Shanklin, my dentist (while working on my teeth:) You're watching me work through the reflection in my glasses...

Becky: *mmmhhhhmmmm*

Dr. Shanklin: I used to think all the young girls were looking deep into my eyes while I worked on their teeth. Then I realized that all the old guys were doing the same thing.

Becky: *mmahahahahahamm*

I want to be James Franco

2010-01-25T19:15:00.000-08:00

It's funny how something I myself wrote is therapy enough. I can make myself happy. That's what my blog is telling me. So now that I have feelings of despair, and humility I have to remember that it's me myself and I, thats all I got in the end.

I went to the dentist today and that made me happy. I got two fillings done, and was told that eventually a few of my other fillings would have to be replaced. It was a lot cheaper than expected, and for the first time in a long time someone told me something about my health that I felt like I could trust, and I was doing something good to take care of myself. This is an important feeling for me. It is a reminder that I have some sort of desire for self preservation.

I've been intent on writing about James Franco. He's everywhere lately. It's fantastic. Soap Operas, 30 Rock, SNL, he's just putting himself out there, and he doesn't care what you think of the medium he's using. It's important to see him having fun doing all of this. It's a good lesson to us all that we shouldn't take ourselves too seriously. I mean it wasn't even a year ago that I watched him in Milk and was blown away by the seriousness and tone of what he brought to such an important role. I think back to the series finale of Freaks and Geeks where he plays D&D with the geeks and his Dwarf Carlos helps win the game. That scene was just a glimpse of how strange, and interesting, and versatile that this pretty boy could be. Not everyone likes him, I know, but damn, it's hard not to respect him right now.

The Word "Deadline" isn't real, except if you're really dead

2010-01-11T01:47:00.001-08:00

I have 15 minutes to write something down.

This weekend was a failure in food. In fact, since I wrote the last entry I haven't had much success with food at all (read: A lot of chocolate at work, 2nd plate of buffet appetizers at wedding, mini donuts.) But I have had major success with working out. In fact today was the only day in which I did not tie on those pesky running shoes. I intend to tie them on tomorrow as well.

I was introduced to a wonderful new TV series by my favorite TV Diva Renita Jenkins today. It's a british comedy about a woman who is finding her way after the death of her husband. Clatterford is subdued yet hilarious and engaging. After spending the whole weekend with some of my favorite girl friends, I thought of something Stephanie once said to me about The Golden Girls. She said "I like to think that when we get old, it's like The Golden Girls, and you live with some of your best girl friends and you still get to go on adventures, and laugh together, and have fun." I hear that women last longer than men, so God willing.

I went to a beautiful wedding on Saturday and had little tears of jealousy that it wasn't my own; just tiny ones. At the same time I danced, and wore a dress like a glove, and had my hair blown out and felt pretty well...pretty! And as I was in my car later I smiled about how easy it is to make myself happy. Not only can I do this, but I AM DOING IT right now. Smiling. Listening to music. Wearing my nice hat every day.

Burn your nice candles, and use your nice soap because eventually they get dusty and dirty, and are purposeless, and to waste if you don't.

4 minutes left.

Salt and Pepper

2010-01-07T19:15:00.001-08:00

I began to read someone else's blog and was so bored, it made me realize that what I really wanted to be doing was writing my own. Hello 2010.

So after the holidays I wanted to bog down and start getting in shape. I am unfit. My clothing is tight. I am displeased with the way I look in real life and in pictures. I am unsatisfied with my self. I was hoping the tides would turn after the clock struck midnight, and it was good so far, until I fell down with The Plague. The night before I fell ill I managed to clean the bins in my closet that I wanted to, and I stayed in on a Friday night, not forcing my self out and about. But Saturday came and I hadn't been that sick in a long while. All exercise was out the window. My ability to function existed solely to get me to work and to home. I was good, and I didn't eat too poorly, and resting helped me get better quicker, I think.

Now, today, I had my great return to the gym. And it felt like a failure, though any time you get into the gym should be counted as a success, because today my knee really hurt after only 15 minutes of running. Discouraging. When did this happen and what can I do about it? I'm going to find a knee brace and keep running. It seems to plateau with pain, and then it's just a matter of endurance. But there was a point in time where I could run for 3 hours and not bat an eyelash. 15 minutes shouldn't feel like death.

Anyhoo, I'm thinking the following things have to happen to get me into shape.

1. NO MORE SNACKING AT WORK - I do this constantly. In fact tonight someone had an open bag of salt and pepper chips and I had several handfuls. And I can't be in denial about all of this snacking either. FESS UP TO SNACKING AT WORK.

2. CONTINUE AN EXERCISE REGIME - Especially on the weekends. I had stopped attending Weekend Runs because this job has been so taxing on my inner clock. But a Saturday nap post run is better than just waking up and not having worked out at all. I hope to also get back into Yoga, hiking, and keep up with ice skating. BE ACTIVE.

3. LAY OFF THE BINGE EATING ON THE WEEKENDS - I eat pretty well during the week but on the weekends it's become a free for all. A 3000 calorie day on a Saturday doesn't help anyone look better.

4. FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT - if I don't feel good about the process I'm not going to keep it up.

5. DRINK LESS - yeah less beer, less fruity drinks. Simple.

The thing is, I feel like I've done all these things, over and over and over again. And my life gets so busy with doing all these things to take care of myself and I can't remember what "me time" is. And then when suddenly I take "me time" and "french fry time" all my work is ruined. It's a life long battle, isn't it?

Resolve and Be a Man

2010-01-01T15:57:00.000-08:00

My resolution this year is to make a cheesecake. And to consolidate my makeup bins to make more room in my closet for the crap I've accumulated. I'm going to keep the resolution I made last year, as I believe resolutions should really be ongoing until you've managed perfection, and we all know that perfection is unattainable. I do believe I could make a perfect cheesecake. I'm thinking a white chocolate raspberry cheesecake.

I had a good day yesterday. I cried a hearty cry, the kind where you're afraid you won't be able to stop. Videotape by Radiohead came on the stereo and I was in deep thought, thinking of my mothers friend Damien. He passed away in October. He had diabetes and had stubbed his toe, I think. His injury was mistreated and to make a long story short, he passed away unexpectedly. I thought of my mother, how this man was her dear friend, and a date, and sometimes companion, and how she might have felt like this man was going to be there for her, a new love, and how fleeting life is. I know what a broken heart feels like, and how hopeless it can seem, but how much worse it must feel when neither person is responsible for the loss. It makes me scared to try and love someone new. It makes me afraid that love isn't even out there.

I hate to admit it, but I don't know what to do next.

A beautiful and mysterious lady

2009-12-29T22:08:00.000-08:00

My knee hurts. It hurts more than I'd like it to for someone who got back to the gym after a week of neglect. I cannot at all confidently state that I was on my best eating behavior during the week I was away for the holidays. I felt weighty going into it and now I can, at best, describe myself as "Holiday Husky." But it seems a superficial purpose has come along to motivate me into wanting to drop the weight. Frankly, it's not so much dropping weight, as feeling good about how I look, and right now I am not a fan. Onto the blog...

My brother just texted me to let me know that the house in Ottawa felt quiet again, now that I had left to come back to California. It's a strange moment when I'm standing in the airport. I cry because I'm sad to leave these people I love so much, yet there's a feeling of home awaiting me on the other side of my journey. Sad to leave home to go home. And I think of the home I live in here. It's quiet, I rarely play music and tend to sit on the internet for far too long, chatting and just, looking. When in Ottawa we all have time to sit and chat, and watch movies, and play games, and make houses into homes.

I'm at work, and I'm 29 years old, and I'm sitting at a desk wearing a striped purple long sleeved shirt under a t-shirt that has a picture of a cartoon robot. I wonder if that's what past me envisioned as future me? I doubt it. Thinking of this version of me, paired with the comfort I got from going home this past Christmas, I remind myself that you can only go home for so long before you have to come back and face the day to day routine that is, as Prince put it, "this thing called 'life.'" I don't like it much, sometimes, being a grownup, and that's probably why I'm wearing a shirt that has a picture of a cartoon robot on it. And sometimes I don't understand what this whole "growing up" thing even means. But it's happening and accepting it is too. I understand that everyone does it differently, but that one day it's just that. You look around, and you and your relatives, the people you've seen pass through time, all have grey hairs, and hard lines, and that's it: You're a grown up.

I think I'm going to wear a dress with polka dots on it for NYE this year, and maybe some pink tights.

A Promise...

2009-12-18T14:42:00.000-08:00

to myself mostly.

I was just listening to my favorite podcast, This American Life. This weeks podcast was #342 How to Rest in Peace. I've thought a lot about my mortality and I'm happy to say that I've accepted that I will die, and I hope to do it peacefully, many many years from now. That's what I learned in 2009. Feelings don't change: happy will feel how it always feels, sad will feel how it always feels, and I will experience these things through my life, time and time again, reminding me what it is we live for, and I hope that life is long, but there will be an end, and when that end comes, I'll know I'll have felt it all to the best of my abilities.

BUT until that time I'm making a promise to myself that I will try harder to document it("blog" it) so that I can remember what it's like to be on this rollercoaster. This was a failed year in blogging, going stretches of two months at a time without an entry, and that is hardly enough to piece together the story of the fabulous Becky Mair.

Happy Holidays.

Cut out all the ropes and let me fall

2009-10-14T00:32:00.000-07:00

As the seasons change, I like to change my music. Sometimes I find myself putting together cd's of 10 songs that I've known and loved for years, and other times I search for that sound I want to reflect the change I desire out of that season. Summer was a blast, this year. It started with an inkling in April to want to lighten my hair one shade lighter, and by Labor day I was a full on blonde, with the most bronze skin (read: cancer I'm sure.) A new job, and a drop in temperature reminded me it was no longer summer, but I just didn't feel up to it. There was a something missing. Had I ignored the back to school sales? And why wasn't I excited for Pumpkin lattes and apple pies? I completely missed my fantasy football draft.

About a week and a half ago I decided I was going to get into it. I ordered that goddamn pumpkin latte, and started wearing jackets over sweaters to work (it helps that my bay is -10 degrees.) I changed my sheets from a lighter spring colour to a dark fall, and resumed a diet that involved soup and crackers. And most importantly I crafted a list of songs to put on a cd that would help inspire the proper mood. Here is said list, and I hope you check out some of these songs. Some are brand new, some are new to me, some are old faithfuls, but all have made me happy.

1. Steady, As She Goes - The Raconteurs

Sometimes a song by Jack White is the epitome of the fall season to me.

2. Look At Me (When I Rock Wichoo) - Black Kids

If I could live in motion to a song, this might be it.

3. Heads Will Roll - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

There's a lot to be said about parties in the summer versus parties in the fall and winter. This song makes me think about nights out that start in the dark (not like sunny afternoon Bar-b-ques) and end with glitter on the dance floor.

4. L.E.S. Artistes - Santigold

I've just come around to hearing Santigold (though a handful of people saw her at the Bowl this summer) It reminds me of that song by Til Tuesday, Voices Carry.

5. Gimme Sympathy - Metric

"Who would you rather be? The Beatles, or The Rolling Stones?"

6. My Year In Lists - Los Campesinos!

This song reminds me of buying school supplies, passing notes in school, and sharpening new pencils to write out said lists. The new year is right around the corner, you know...

7. Empire State of Mind - Jay-Z Ft. Alicia Keys

I love a song that pays homage to a city, especially New York, a city that experiences the change of the seasons so visually. And Alicia belts out the hook so beautifully. Goddamn, I said Goddamn.

8. She-Wolf - Shakira

Halloween is coming up, and this song has disguise all over it. Aren't the costumes we wear on halloween secretly who we'd like to be all the time? Okay, maybe not...(this'll be especially funny to those of you privileged to see my costume on the 31st)

9. Skinny Love - Bon Iver

"Cut out all the ropes and let me fall"

10. Heartless - Kanye West

I threw this on here because I just felt like I needed to get in touch with the cold. This song is about a woman so heartless, and mother nature herself does that to us once a year. We know she'll be warm again, though. That's why not all of us live in Florida.

11. Many Moons - Janelle Monea

I saw Janelle in concert and she painted while she sang during one song. Fans were clamoring for the painting at the end of the song for good reason.

12. Your Heart is an Empty Room - Death Cab for Cutie

This song is a recent re-discovery. In listening to the hits of Plans, this one sort of always escaped my attention. I think of songs about Summer Love, and how this is a response to those, how after the summer, the truth sets in, and how you see so many possibilities. We are a fickle warrior, I suppose.

Buffalo Stance:

2009-10-04T03:19:00.000-07:00

Whos that gigolo on the street
With his hands in his pockets and his crocodile feet
Hanging off the curb, looking all disturbed
At the boys from home. they all came running
They were making noise, manhandling toys
Thats the girls on the block with the nasty curls
Wearing padded bras sucking beers through straws
Dropping down their drawers, where did you get yours?

Gigolo, huh, sukka?
Gigolo. gigolo, huh, sukka?

Whos looking good today?
Whos looking good in every way?
No style rookie
You better watch dont mess with me

No moneyman* can win my love
Its sweetness that Im thinking of.
We always hang in a buffalo stance
We do the dive every time we dance
Ill give you love baby not romance
Ill make a move nothing left to chance
So dont you get fresh with me

Get funky. yeah timmy.
Tell it like it is. check out this dj.

So you say you wanted money but you know its never funny
When your shoes worn through and theres a rumble in your tummy
But you had to have style get a gold tooth smile
Put a girl on the corner so you can make a pile
Committed a crime and went inside
It was coming your way but you had to survive
When you lost your babe, you lost the race
Now youre looking at me to take her place.

Whos looking good today?
Whos looking good in every way?
No style rookie
You better watch dont mess with me

Smokin. not cokin. get funky sax.
Looking good, hanging with the wild bunch.
Looking good in a buffalo stance.
Looking good when it comes to the crunch
Looking goods a state of mind
State of mind dont look behind you
State of mind or youll be dead
State of mind may I remind you
Bomb the bass...rock this place!
What is he like? whats he like anway?
Yo man what do you expect the guys a gigolo man
You know I mean?

No moneyman can win my love
Its sweetness that Im thinking of.
We always hang in a buffalo stance
We do the dive every time we dance
Ill give you love baby not romance
Ill make a move nothing left to chance
So dont you get fresh with me

Wind on my face, sound in my ears
Water from my eyes, and you on my mind
As I sink, diving down deep...deeper into your soul.

*I always thought she said monkeyman.

Direction is irrelevant

2009-09-19T00:11:00.000-07:00

I am sitting in a very cold room. There are a great number of negative things I could say about this room, and why I'm sitting here, and what it means to be sitting here, but the only negative I'll dwell on is that it is cold, and the cold is making me unpleasant. But not unpleasant enough to make me unfriendly, or difficult to be around, or at least I hope it doesn't. I, like many people, like to think of myself as an easy going member of the community, who is enjoyable to be around, and can be valued, and even cherished. These are the hopes I would have for my personality. Sometimes I feel like personality can be detached from ourselves, like it's a thing that lingers above our heads. It isn't though.

I often wonder how many people don't like me. People who have met me and decided they didn't need me in their life, that my personality, the one attached to me, was one they could do without. I wonder why they could do without it, and remember that no one can like everyone all the time. It's just the way it is. I certainly don't like everyone. Hell, as I get older, I like having fewer and fewer people around me. I guess that's why I feel so lucky when I'm with the handful of people I love, because they've chosen to spend the little time they have on God's green earth with little old me. It's a strange thing to conceptualize, the choice of what to do with the fleeting minutes of our lives. So often we're "bored" or "lonely" or reaching to do something interesting, when in reality just being should be good enough.

For now I'm just going to be cold in this room and be happy with that.

I am still living with your ghost

2009-08-26T23:43:00.000-07:00

A few months back I made it my personal mission to write a blog once a day for a week. I hoped that it would renew some sort of desire to write, having found it difficult to adjust to the new blog format I had chosen. It clearly didn't work. I went 2 months without writing anything until today, and I'm not proud of it. The truth is, I just haven't had much to say.

I wonder why that is? why I could go months and months and months at a time where I almost had to blog twice a day, to now barely being able to string sentences together? Maybe I should start out small and work my way up to something with a little more content.

Starting small I can say that I went to Boston on a whim and had no idea what I was in for, and in the middle of a Saturday I found myself sitting under a shady tree, eating a falafel with a great friend, in the grass of Boston Common. It was the second time this year where I found myself in that space, in Boston Common experiencing a very magical moment, and there was this sense of ease. I realize that this feeling has been more and more frequent in my life. It's rewarding and tells me I'm doing something right with my life. I might be single, and jobless right now, but I'm not lost, broke or alone. And I'm certainly not unhappy.

Harder to Get Out Of

2009-06-04T01:22:00.001-07:00

I'm not entirely sure if I've become better at my new job and I'm finishing projects faster, or I've begun to settle into the routine of it. But just like that *poof* it's going to be over in a number of days, and I'll be back at what always feels like square one. I'm not as prepared for unemployment as I should be, but I have a feeling, like most of my stints, it won't last too long.

I have this undeniable feeling that I'm missing something. Like the feeling of a phantom limb. As if there's a portion of my life that I'm seriously neglecting or missing. Bills, work, friends: I seem to be on top of it, but I can't quite help but feel like someone, or something out there needs me, and I don't even know it. I do know that I have a stack of emails that I, at one point in time, intended to respond to, one being my childhood friend, with whom I haven't had correspondence with since I was 11-years-old. She's a graphic designer somewhere in Quebec now. It's strange, but it isn't really, that most of my closest friends while I was growing up moved on to do something creative with their lives. It makes me so happy to hear that. It makes me so proud to be a part of that.

Sometimes I wish I was more contributive, and less creative. I've been watching The West Wing lately and it serves as a reminder that there is a group of people far more intellectual than me, that have ever right to laugh when I tell them what I do. "We create the laws and policies you live by, and dictate the way in which this country moves" they could say. I am envious, because I know that, even if I did feel I had the brain capacity to take part in this, I wouldn't have the drive or the stamina to be a part of that culture. It's a shame really. I shouldn't complain, though. I take part in something that makes millions of people happy (or irritated, I don't know, really. I would have to watch non biased people watch the show...)

In completely unrelated news: Jessica Simpson bought Tony Romo a boat for his birthday. A BOAT. I don't know why this makes me roll my eyes as hard as I can, maybe because she's no longer relevant yet still has the money to buy her boyfriend a $100,000 boat. I guess if I were her i'd want to do the same thing. After all, love is fleeting, and she knows this. She had to see pictures of her ex having sex with some MTV VeeJay in an infinity pool. I've decided to limit my crushes to a week MAX. Not worth letting emotions get out of control and in the way of bigger and better things, really. Compton's already claimed the week of June 29th. I wonder what Katty Kay and her Womenomics have to say about that?

Like I never needed love before

2009-05-13T02:37:00.000-07:00

I had to buy a new air freshner for my car. I choose the one that hangs over my mirror now for two reasons 1. it was a pink dolphin 2. the scent advertised was "Love Spell." For your information, Love Spell is similar smelling to all designer impostor perfumes that you can buy at the dollar store. I didn't realize love was so cheap.

This just started playing on my iTunes:

When I was 17 there was a big part of me that was too embarrassed to admit to liking the Spice Girls. Now, at 28, I regret not having gone to their "reunion" tour. I love losing that "cool," because it makes me feel so much cooler. I know that doesn't make much sense, but releasing that fear of other people's opinions, and just loving what you love is so satisfying. I loved the new Star Trek movie. I thought it was great, and fun, and I'm probably going to see it again, and I'm unapologetic for thinking that, though Karl Urban might have been over the top, I enjoyed every minute of his version of "Bones" McCoy. I have plans to see Ghosts of Girlfriends' Past, and truth be told, I'll probably like that one just as much (so long as Matthew McCone-unspellablelastname-ghey and Jennifer Garner end up together in the end *fingers crossed*)

Button on my Tongue

2009-05-07T02:30:00.000-07:00

You made me laugh today without even knowing it. Not a loud belly laugh, or a coy blush, but a genuine laugh. I could feel it in my heart. I could feel it in my gut. Guts...that's a funny word.

I listen to this soft sweet music right now. It makes me want to dance in a cotton dress, barefoot in the grass and under the stars, with this hot wind whipping around me, my hair dancing to its own rhythm. I'm happy to be able to say that I do remember the last time my toes felt the grass between them. Now if only I could remember the last time my toes felt the sand.

My hands are a mess. I can't stop biting and peeling the skin off them. I gnaw at my nails constantly. I suppose it's an attempt to cool my jets. I know I'm nervous about the new job. I can't tell how I'm doing because the feedback seems to always be positive in this industry, no matter what they might be saying when you're not around. One day I'm going to bite away the fingerprints.

to make sentences

2009-05-06T00:50:00.000-07:00

I see the future like a stained glass window with no design. The broken pieces of glass come to represent fragments of my life put together in a portrait making up an abstract whole. This whole means something. It's something different to everyone who looks at it: a past, a present a future. It's beautifully put together for some, horribly arranged for others. I feel the dryness on my fingers, but the moisture on my body. It's a reminder that I feel anything at all. The soothing sounds of drums and voices envelope me as I think about the smell of that perfume I apply to the backs of my legs for you. I dream of India, of Egypt. Of linen fabrics draped over windows keeping the sun out, and the cool in. Your eyes sparkle a blue frost over me, acting as the breeze through that fabric does, running through my hair, over my shoulders, lovingly across my face. You see the red in my cheeks. I know you see it because I see the red in yours. "I need you here, this night" in the desert heat.

I tuck the rock back into my pocket and do not throw it into the lake. This one I save. I save knowing that I shouldn't; it is meant to get lost at the bottom with the others. It's smoothness settles, and it is unique. It is mine.

Super Delicious

2009-04-22T18:27:00.000-07:00

I live a charmed life filled with jewel tones and happy thoughts. It's an amazing life, and I never forget how blessed I am. I do, however, forget the people around me, and how they aren't always full of love, like myself.

I'm turning 29 this year. I've already accepted two things: 1. I don't like it, and 2. I can't stop it. I've begun to tell myself that I am, in fact, 29. There are a lot of things I thought I would be when I was 29, and single wasn't one of them. But it's ok because everything else about it is superdelicious. By the end of my 29th year I'll have paid off my car, finished my 5th year of consistent employment within the entertainment industry, I will have lived in Los Angeles for a little more than 9 years, and hope to have a nest egg larger than I could have dreamed of when I was working retail. I have a handful of friends and family who have proven to want to do anything for me. I think that I have to take a few minutes of my time to write this all down so that I can remember that when that time comes, when I begin that 29th year, I make sure to keep these quintessential truths of my life in tact and be able to be there for the people who have been with me year after year. Them being there for me has made me who I am. I don't want to let them down because, in the end, I would be letting myself down.

I hope you all know how thankful I am for you. How greatful. And if you don't, please tell me how I can show you.

Small Talk

2009-04-14T16:28:00.000-07:00

I asked myself 'what I would say if someone asked me "What are you up to these days?"' That answer probably shouldn't be said out loud, but it makes me laugh, so here it is:

Well, I've been wearing high heels and spring clothing, avoiding having to do my hair nicely considering my bangs looked good for a total of 15 seconds after I got them cut, and now I don't know what to do with them. I've been trying to figure out how to use skype so I can call Canada and stop feeling guilty about being so cheap when I don't. This has proven to be more difficult than I thought (sometimes I don't know how I got a job in a tech field at all.) I've been avoiding any responsibility at work, looking at internet dresses I don't buy. And am fairly certain this man and I are going to meet and fall in love one day. It really is only a matter of time. I've also been avoiding drinking water, and my workout schedule is pretty lax. I am not proud of either of these things.

20 Seconds to Comply

2009-04-10T17:39:00.000-07:00

I'm not entirely sure I have anything to say. I certainly don't have anything to do. I feel like announcing to the office "So my mom was Catholic once upon a time, therefore I should leave so I can properly pay my respects to Good Friday." I, of course, would leave and go to the gym. That's not appropriate.

Instead I've managed to NOTHING for about 2 hours. It's fine. I know that there are points in my job life where I'll be busier, so I shouldn't feel the guilt that comes with sitting at my desk, looking up pictures of cute boys on the internet, and listening to old Xtina *shrug*

I've dressed as if I'm going to a sock hop after work. I kind of wish this were true. Doesn't it seem like "times were easier" back then? Like, you go to dances, listen to the radio, go to bed early, wear big skirts and tight t-shirts, and your hair in a pony tail while you drink milkshakes with your boyfriend, unaware of calories, and cancer, and all those poisons we're hyper aware of now. I know that life wasn't really like that. But, man, do I wish it was. I suppose we learned, over time, that the picture perfect wasn't all it was cracked up to be, and we had movements and revolutions, and sociology, and technology pushed us forward, making sure no one's innocence was spared, and all bubbles burst. And we assume that life is better now that we know, and everything is laid out on the table.

Perhaps there was some comfort in the unknown. I doubt it, though.

Still Downloading Your Music

2009-04-08T12:55:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about the term "giving up" lately, and what it really means. Well, rather, how it's put into practice. I tend to try not to give up. There is no satisfaction, only regret when we give up on things. And a life filled with regret is a life of heavy thoughts and empty hearts. But sometimes you're forced into giving up because the outcome you desire is not tangible. Not getting what I want is a concept I try to keep foreign, but I know deep down inside what I think I want, what I know I want, and what I can have don't always live on the same plain, and acknowledging that is the first step to walking away from that regret and filling up the holes in your heart by finding the proper caulk, if you excuse a giggle inducing metaphor.

I watch a lot of Lost and last week there was a discussion about time being linear. I have always accepted that our lives were on a timeline heading in the same direction. If we consider just time alone being the definer of this timeline, it's true. Minutes, hours, days pass by and we all move with them, not really toward anything, we just move forward. But beyond time, we move in so many directions. Some of us continue to move forward, but some of us move back, at different speeds and lengths. And some of us move everywhere, all the time. For a while I think I was forcing myself to move in one direction. I had tunnel vision and could see a light ahead of me that I thought I wanted to break through to. But I was derailed, and I looked to my right and my left, and I saw something. It was like a thousand holes poked through a black piece of paper. I saw light. It will always be up to me to break through any one of those holes, or to choose not to. But that I know the holes exist means that I'm already ahead of the curve.

Find your holes.

C'mon C'mon

2009-04-02T22:29:00.000-07:00

Everything feels so sureal. Like tomorrow I'm going to forget that I have to get up, and drive to the airport, and park my car, and check into an airline, and get on a plane, and go. I know I'm not driving to work tomorrow. I packed my bags, and the clothing I'm bringing feels random and arbitrary. I'd say minimalist, but the colors are bright, and the combinations bizarre, enough to question myself over and over again: "are you sure you know what's about to happen?" I guess none of us really do know for sure. I am going to take a moment to set my alarm clock immediately.

O.K. I've written several paragraphs and erased them, realizing that I don't know what to say next. None of it has kept me interested, but I really like that the ideas and words were put into the world and now they're floating over my head. And I am the only one who knows what they said and that they really existed. Those things I wrote, were they about you? And if they were, were they positive, or negative? Can you hear what I have to say, or are you standing naked in the dark, wondering if I give a damn?

I probably don't give a damn.

Juicy Fruit

2009-04-01T16:11:00.000-07:00

Emotions give me a headache. No wonder people seek out Xanax and lobotomies. Xanax, I've learned(though not through personal use) will kill your libido, and your desire to have sex won't return for six months until after you've stopped taking it. I find it hard to believe a life where I didn't want to have sex. Needless to say, I am not taking Xanax, instead I'm drinking diet coke and taking advil. I'm sure they're made up of the same ingredients. The last text I received read "advil is magic and it tastes like candy." True Facts.

Work is generally better than the average job. I know this because I've had average jobs, and they don't pay you well, you don't get free soda, and there are no dance parties. But today I can't seem to get away from the desire to not want to be here, despite barely having any work. I now turn to a list of places I would rather be:

In a hammock on the beach in Hawaii

In my sleep number bed, finally finishing those Goddamn vampire books

Shopping at H&M

Lake swimming

Sitting in a clean hottub

Under a tree at the park finishing Revolutionary Road

At a small theater watching The Big Lebowski and eating Milk Duds and Popcorn

On a gondola ride in Venice

Eating cheese and drinking wine in the French country side

Making out/having sex with someone who knows what they're doing

Those are just the highlights.

This Ain't no Disco

2009-03-31T23:40:00.000-07:00

Today I got my haircut next to a handsome man who said he worked in Mutual Funds. I laughed at myself when I realized I had no idea what that meant, but admired his beautiful face through the mirror unabashedly as I changed the frequency. Instead, I tuned in to listen to the stylist who told me about his last visit to a wal-mart back home in Phoenix where he saw a man dressed as Santa wheeling around the store on a motorized scooter as children asked to sit on his lap and request gifts for Christmas. We laughed together, Travis and I. My haircut went well, and now my face is properly framed. I drove through Hollywood, accidentally turning up Curson. Silly girl, Curson doesn't meet up with Franklin. I turn too early. And I try to turn soft and lovely any time I have the chance. Making very calculated plans, and eating a sandwich, I dreaded, but yet prepared, and it worked out just find because I found center. There is some strength in my core muscles. Finally. 8 weeks in. Later I giggled over frozen yogurt, and gossip, and didn't have to prove a smile, because it was there all along. The combination of green tea, mango and strawberries was divine, and I couldn't get enough, but knew I couldn't get anymore. And that day I drove up the street until the sun came up over Santa Monica Boulevard.

Hyper Drive

2009-03-30T14:07:00.000-07:00

Today I listen to Motown. It is my favorite thing to do. It reminds me that no one knows anything about anything when it comes to dealing with human emotions, least of all, Diana Ross.

I got new tires for my car this weekend. It is officially no longer a death trap, but a money pit. I hope to get a good detailing, and then be finished with car maintenance for a while. It's a good little car, the new tires helped to remind me of that. I also got my nails done at the same time. They looked rough going in, and I think are on the way to being ready for spring. I don't know why this matters, I really don't, but for some reason, yesterday afternoon, it did. Maybe just to remind me that I, too, am a good little car.

This blog is a dud. I'll try again tomorrow.

The Week

2009-03-29T17:41:00.000-07:00

A lot can happen in a week. Lives can change. Stephanie pointed out that you could be alive on monday and be buried by Thursday. The matter that makes up your body would be underground for as long as time. Not me, though. I want you to burn my body.

I wish there were more reminders that life is so precious. I doubt there ever will be. "Live life to the fullest" they say. Who are they that are able to retain this? I think I've been successful to live a pretty full life. I wonder, though, what it takes to remember how to maintain that fullness indefinitely. Can you? Or do you settle? It seems like a lot of people settle. Is settling the right thing to do? Have I just not realized this? Whatever. In a week it could all be over. I'd hate to have the same last week over and over and over again in anticipation of the end.

Upkeep

2009-03-28T18:34:00.000-07:00

I find it hard to wear high heels every day. Well I don't find it physically hard. Yes, heels take a toll on your feet, and leg muscles, but you get used to it. And secretly we know that our legs look so much better because of those heels. As Brad Pitt once said "The body acclimates." I find it difficult to feel comfortable being that girl who wears high heels everyday. I work in a casual industry and I tend to dress down. Jeans, cute T, nice sneakers, makeup: it works. I find I have to talk myself into wearing heels knowing that when I do people are going to react differently. But isn't that what I want? To get a reaction?

Oddly, I don't think I'm waiting for you to tell me how hot my legs look in my high heels. I think I'm just excited to get to wear them. So I'm going to try and wear them more often. Not for you. For me.

Hit you like a truck.

2009-03-27T13:43:00.001-07:00

**Please note that for the next week I will be attempting to write one blog a day. Wish me luck.

I went to a cafe last night. It was the shape of a boat that appeared to be docked on dry land and was Titanic themed. There were pictures of Kate and Leo all over the walls. How interesting. The menu was almost entirely in Korean except for a section of smoothies (we stuck to getting those instead of adventuring on the other side of the menu.) It was almost sensory overload, had my senses not needed to be touched so bad.

It's strange what a random night out can do for you; the insight it can offer into your personality. I still get shy around strangers who talk to me in bars. Shy and defensive, and I wonder what they want. I wonder their intent. Sometimes it's nothing more than to have a conversation with someone new. And deep down I know that I want to hear from there. It's rare that I seek out to talk to new people, and I see that as a major character flaw. I have to be led the way to talking to someone most times. I find I have spent a lifetime surrounding myself with louder personalities than myself to make up for that. And I love these boisterous people. They make me happy, and they fill the void. Now I think the next step is to learn something from them.

the bulbs never opened quite fully

2009-03-26T18:03:00.001-07:00

In Quills the Marquis explains how he writes of the world: "I write of the great, eternal truths that bind together all mankind. The whole world over, we eat, we shit, we fuck, we kill, and we die." I think about those animalistic qualities all humans seem to share. It's all very carnal. And I wonder how it relates to our emotions. Despite the physical needs, the fornication, the hunger, I think about the way we have grown to need to feel. Twitter, facebook, myspace, these social networks make us reach out more to one another everyday through a universe we can't touch. Touch, and presence is a part of emotion and humanity, though, and eventually the unseen universe needs to step aside, and let real life take its course, I suppose. I wonder if in the future people will learn to connect the two. I hope not. I like being in real time.

Someone recently described me as being "ballsy" and having had a sense of adventure that most people wouldn't, or couldn't have. This had come after I felt a great loss, and it really helped to pick me up. I sit at my computer, wondering how to make it better, to get out of the rut, without even realizing that there might not be a rut at all. Daily I reach out and share emotions with people around me, and connect to them in ways most people can't, and I am really happy about that because there was a time in my life where I felt that I could never find that at all. I'm glad to have broken through my personal unseen universe.

I just have to remember to buy myself flowers, though.

Thinking of my heart.

2009-03-20T12:40:00.001-07:00

It's unbelievable how fragile my heart is. I say it's unbelievable, but I have rarely let it get into situations where it could be bruised or broken. And even then, I take preventative measures knowing that if something were to happen, I can't blame any responsibility on my heart or the fated breaker of said heart. You're heart won't get hurt if you have a wall around it.

But the truth is that you can't build a wall that will last. Time tears it down. The wall I build is made of a certain dishonesty. It's not a lie I tell myself, but rather the holding back of the truth. I seldom tell the people I love, and care for, how I really feel, and therefore can only blame myself when they walk away. Sad.

I can't be responsible for people walking away from me. I can be responsible for not doing more for them while they were in front of me, but it's someone's choice to walk away from me. And it hurts every time. But if there is a master plan, and something to learn, I'm hoping that it will make me appreciate and understand the world better. But when it first happens, being a part of the world is the last thing this little heart wants.

The mundane might be the most exciting stuff

2009-02-16T13:04:00.000-08:00

I want to change my facebook status every 15 minutes. I know this means one thing: I should be blogging.

I'm still sick. I'm in denial about it, and have been all week, but I should probably go to the doctor at some point and make sure I don't have something stupid like walking pnemonia, or bronchitis. Before I know it I'll be that Brazillian model, and you'll have to amputate my hands. Sad.

Work is going well. I like days. I don't work out as much though. Well I've been sick, for one, and that hasn't helped. I've also been working 6 day work weeks. I'm really excited for that to be over. Putting together a normal schedule should soon follow, though I have to say working days I'm finding it harder to do the same things I did when I worked nights. I don't know, time seemed more selfish. I would wake up when I wanted, left the house when I could, drove against the traffic, and ran all my errands during the day. I could have gone to the doctor and have this cold out of me by now. Instead I find myself just wrestling with very little time to do anything.

Yesterday I had a great moment of reflection. I had just come back from a trip to Target where I had bought myself a bunch of things I kind of, sort of needed. I made dinner and tidied up a few things in the apartment (though created a pile of dishes I didn't tackle.) I climbed in bed and just had a moment of Zen where it was all so easy. My life is easy, and pleasing, and I don't regret being able to lead it. We are the lucky ones, aren't we?

My Heart is in Your Teeth

2009-02-12T17:41:00.001-08:00

"Listening to old Jewel albums reminds me that being a crazy girl is normal." - Becky Mair via chat with Lindsay Ringwald

This never ends does it? How is it that after having my period for almost 18 years I still have no control of my emotions the week before it happens? Even worse, I forget, every time, the potential of my senility. Other women know; we respect it, we know a crazy bitch when we see one and our bodies know that the only way to sympathize is to hop on their cycle (or for them to hop on ours) thus removing ourselves out of any dangerous path. I just want to be used to it, and instead I take the wave and I ride it.

I'm feeling particularly crazy lately. I've been dieting, working days. I was exercising but that was thwarted by my getting the plague. I rarely equate being sick with being unhappy. I have always been one to handle it in stride, but lately I don't want to handle it. I just want it to go away. I want to be independent. I can't do that when I feel helpless and PMSing. DAMMIT. The rage is overwhelming, isn't it?! I guess it could be worse. I could be the one to have to convince everyone to sign over a bailout bill that will have my, my children, and my children's childrens' taxes go toward saving irresponsible companies. Thank God I'm not smart enough for that job. I'm barely smart enough for this one, it feels lately.

At least I learned today that sushi can be a low fat food. And that the R Kelly Ignition Remix still makes me feel good.

I hear lies. Every fucking day.

2009-02-04T17:44:00.000-08:00

I hate that feeling I can get sometimes. The feeling that all this time I've been lying to myself about how good I look to make myself feel good, so I can get through day to day and not fall off any sort of wagon. What is the truth? Is it that this all doesn't matter because we're going to die one day, or be sick, and hurt, and suffer, and that feeling of loneliness I felt while I was sitting in Bay 1 looking at hideous pictures from the past weekend is totally moot? Am I lying because I know it doesn't matter, or am I lying because it matters so much and the truth hurts?

I just don't know.

Fatty fatty two-by-four

2009-01-21T23:45:00.001-08:00

I don't know if I look heavy, but I feel it. I feel like I've gained weight over the holiday season, and I can't shake it. I feel like whenever I'm around food, I can't help myself but eat it. I went out to both dinner and lunch today, and though I made OK choices, but I know better than to eat out twice. I buy "healthy alternative" snacks but eat them entirely on my own. I run, I run a lot, but I eat, I eat a lot. And there is no counter balancing, it seems. My belt goes from the average hole I wear it on to the looser, instead of the average and the tighter. I feel like I'm busting out of my skin. Like ripping at the seams. All my outside the house activities deal with food, as do the lounging in doors activities. People have stopped telling me I look good. This breaks me the most.

And the scary thing about it all is that I'm comfortable most days. When I'm eating I'm unapologetic. I do it blindly. And now I sit here terrified, afraid at the mistake I'm making. I'm afraid of seeing myself slowly turn into that fat girl again. I hate that fat girl. She's miserable and lonely and who wants to be that? Not me. I just don't know how to change it. I've done it before, but I don't know how to get it under control. I forget, and I need help.

I need HELP.

Gather

2009-01-12T12:43:00.000-08:00

I need to make a list. A list of things I would like to accomplish over the next two weeks while I have time to accomplish those things. I've already begun to really clean out my room. I feel like it's only a few carefully planned out organizing sessions away from being what I'd like it to be. My closet needs some rearranging, but before I can do that I would like to buy some storage bins to be able to accomplish neatness. My goal is to have everything in the closet placed in a way that I can pull it out easily without having to put it in something else to move it.

Here is said list:

Place DVD's in storage containers to better organize closet

Do laundry

Vacuum already

Find a way to better organize the makeup/hair accessories

place clothes in an order that makes sense

Wash bathroom rugs

Clean out/Wash car

Get oil change

Run at least three times a week

Finish watching season 4 of Lost

Play Video Games and relax!!!

I've already put a lot of pressure on myself to get a bunch of stuff done over the next two weeks, and on top of that I'll be going to Vegas in the middle of my vacation. At first I wasn't sure I wanted to go, but I haven't been in a good 7 months and what a better time to spend forced time off. I need to just relax, and enjoy that I have time off now to prepare for a long stretch of work where I'll be making a decent chunk of change. I think if I just keep organized, and I let myself be aware of what I want this living space to feel like I'll be fine. Maybe I'll even come up with an art project or two to make the room feel more lived in. We'll see!

It was just a suggestion.

2009-01-07T23:50:00.001-08:00

Every once in a while I get that sense of loneliness and solitude. Like I'm an island, and the mainland is off somewhere chatting about me; a bunch of girls gossiping about how they think I'm ok, but they don't really like me, or want to like me. I'd like to say that this feeling is unique, but I'm fairly certain we've all experienced it before.

When I have this feeling, my urge is to assume that I've done something to annoy people, and I should probably step off the scene for a while. I had that sense today. I felt like I misread a tone, and suddenly I couldn't tell who my friends were, who my enemies were, and who might fit that grey "frenemies" category. You know, the people you're friends with, only so long as you have to be, but you know that once you're not together you assume they are saying something about your behavior, or your hair-do, and they just don't give themselves to you in a way that you can trust. But it's ok because you don't give yourself to them either: there's just something so fake about the relationship. And no one's at fault. We can't give ourselves to each other all the time. If we could all be friends, then we wouldn't have to conceptualize world peace.

As I get older the circle of people I trust gets smaller, but more intimate and loving. I don't let anyone in right away like I used to, and new relationships develop far less often, and a whole lot slower. I'm ok with this, and part of the trepidatious feelings I felt earlier may have come from realizing that I had put too much faith in a friendship that hadn't quite been fully formed or realized yet. I think I'd like to put more effort into realizing the source of hurt feelings, and make sure my personal journey doesn't get tripped up by someone else's lack of knowledge about me. Or their lack or caring, for that matter. I am what I am. I love who I love. I do what I can. And I'd like to succeed.

Refract

2009-01-06T00:20:00.000-08:00

I spend far too much time on a social networking site. I'm not too proud of this. I've become obsessed with the actions of the people I'm friends with, and I can note things about folks I haven't seen in over ten years. I've noticed that I've begun to misinterpret people's tone. I forget what they sound like in real life, and what implications the sentence they write might have. Sometimes I take things too seriously, and some things not serious enough.

I read someone's status and it said "___ has fallen in love." and I thought "Wow, good for her..." Then I thought about this person, and it seemed highly unlikely for them to write something so serious, and so bold. I realized that I took what I had read and made it sound how I wanted it to. Or how I liked how it sounded.

I've done a lot of keeping myself in check lately. I serious necessity. I can't let my heart get away with my head. I need my head to make sure not to screw things up. I like how I am, and I don't think I should have to compromise it. My tone of voice should be the same out loud as it is on the page. I don't know if that makes any sense at all.

A Messy Blog About Romance

2008-12-09T18:02:00.001-08:00

It's amazing that romantic moment pull. I don't think it's because I'm a woman, though the constant fairy tale reminders made in my direction probably helps a whole heck of a lot, but every once in a while I want romance. Not sex (that desire happens more than every once in a while, ahem,) but romance. Diamonds, and roses, and compliments oh my! Remind me of how blue my eyes are, and how happy your heart is to be filled with my love. Tell me you need me, and I'll tell you I need you too. Romance. Like those debeers commercials with the string insturments, or when Rhett Butler carries her up the stairs. Slow-dancing, hand-holding, eye-gazing, Romance.

Now, you ask yourself, does romance exist? Yes. I can confirm this. I have a list of my top 5 most romantic moments. I can't list those off on this blog, they are just too personal, but I know that those moments have happened to me. Were those moments actually romantic, or have I built the memory of them in my head as having been romantic? I don't know. But really, I don't care, because the memories I've kept close have made me happy, no matter what the outcome of the overall relationship was.

I'm only 28, but I have been lucky enough to have romantic moments to fill a top five list (2 of those five have happened rather recently) and I have faith in Romance enough that my list will grow and grow and grow. It could be slowly, but it's growing.

I'm feeling Aubergine

2008-12-03T13:47:00.001-08:00

In 2000, Eatons, a Macy's equivalent in Canada, decided to relaunch itself to have a more polished look. They put together an ad campaign that circled itself around the color "Aubergine," a version of purple. The ad campaign was very 1950s insipred and I loved it because it was clean, and beautiful and classy and all those things I want to be.

I bought a dress for New Years. I would describe the color as Aubergine. It's really beautiful and I can't wait to wear it. These past few weeks I've felt out of shape. My face has broken out into multiple zits more than once. I've had a persistent pile of laundry on my floor. My split ends are out of control. I need the Aubergine in my life so bad. I need it to redefine what I said I wanted, and I want it to inspire me to keep that definition alive. Now more than ever do I need you, Aubergine:

Freelance

2008-11-07T02:56:00.000-08:00

I started a new job this week. Filled with trepidation, as always, to be in a new position at a new office for a new show I was, of course, worried about how things would go, and what was to be expected of me. Going into Deal, my last job, I walked in with the assumption that I was not going to live up to my expectations, despite not knowing what those expectations were. It was like being the foster child in a well established family. How were my mannerisms going to accepted at this new dinner table? Well the fear I brought to that job didn't help me any. In fact, there were so many times where it hindered my performance. Everything was so new and so different, by the book when I was used to off the cuff. I adjusted, and used my wits to my advantage and won over a few smiles. I left Deal with a small sense of belonging, knowing that if the chance for a sophomore year were to come around, I would buy a new trapper keeper, and sign up for all my regular classes.

Cue a new show with a LARGE following and no prospective air date. Having learned very little of the previous season, save for that the entire staff was turned over, I walked into the offices in with a different candor than the previous job. Someone had pointed out to me the newness of it all, and how green everyone would be. The energy here is...something. Not positive, or negative, but new and different. I've walked in here cautious, careful with feelings, a bit callous at times, knowing things won't always go my way. My acceptance of this is HUGE. I'm going to work here every day, and not worry about the painful hours, and the tedious tasks (that I happen to whip through compared to my coworkers.) I'm going to see it as a job, and only a job, a means to a me that I can work on outside of these four little walls. I think that person needs to be worked on, and figured out. She won't be found here.

Who will be found is a girl who is headstrong and knows what the fuck she's doing. A girl who realizes more and more that her confidence level is a lot higher than average, despite thinking it's below everyone else. Someone who knows their shit. Maybe it's time to learn new shit.

I am never in Love

2008-11-05T20:57:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I am a Viking. I discover new worlds, new truths. I conquer and ravage, and decide that I am entitled. Sometimes I am a Serf, and I work for the Lord, and take care of the land, and don't cause too much commotion. Sometimes I'm a Patriot. I believe and hope and know to fight for what I believe in, even if it isn't what's real. Sometimes I am a Show Boat. I serve no other purpose that to be and to be seen. Sometimes I am a Loudmouth. I tell you all my stories and have no regrets, until you tell everyone else and hurt me. Sometimes I am a Fanatic, and want to bathe in the light of your creativity, and smile, and look upon you with awe and inspiration. Sometimes I am Las Vegas, a cheap and easy desert, or a rich and fun wonderland. Sometimes I am a Funeral, somber and sad, remorseful and confused. Sometimes I am a Circus, lit up and ready to entertain, certain. Sometimes I am a Bully to make you know your place in our universe. Sometimes I am a Neck, and Lips, and Eyes, and Toes. I am Fingers and Lust. Sometimes I am smarter than you hope, more driven than you want, above what you thought. I am broken, and selfish and need to be fixed and want you to be my mechanic. Sometimes I don't need you.

I am a lot of things. And those things are all worth something. They are the pieces of the whole, the supreme being. The one thing that I am. And until we die, we don't know what that really all is.

Give me something to talk about

2008-10-24T00:31:00.000-07:00

I might have a case of the blues. I could barely get out of bed today, and I've been having wicked dreams. I'm not entirely sure I know my own city anymore. I used to have comfort living here, and now I just feel like a stranger. No, I feel unwelcome, and that's so much worse. It's like my favorite pair of shoes got wet and now they don't fit. I'm not sure how that works, but I never thought I would be the kind of person who could feel that way. A swirling spiral of uncertainty. I'd like to think that I'm going to "come out of this" but sometimes, after I've looked back at everything I've written, and all I've lived through, that there isn't an end to that uncertainty. You never do feel comfortable.

I saw a girl on the street today, and she was smiling so big. I thought "She must be having an upswing." She must be dating someone great, have a good job, be able to go shopping when she needs to, living somewhere great, and just being great at life. And I thought "I wish it would just all come together for me." Right now my tires need changing. My job's about to end. I'm tired all the time. I just don't feel like that girl on the street. Every once in a while, though, I have to admit, my heart gets a flutter these days, so I'm pretty confident that I can be that girl on the street with the big smile on my face. I just need to hold onto that flutter for a little bit longer. Keep those butterflies living in my heart!

Like a Natural Woman

2008-10-20T21:15:00.000-07:00

Day to day we don't know what the world is going to give us. In return we hope only to be able to have an idea of what we can give it back. Somedays I am completely clueless as to what I can potentially offer this world. The definition of world here is very specific to me. I relate it to MY world, the world in which I've partially created, the one where I've placed myself and my life upon an even greater world. Think of the Universe as a field, and our world as a campground. My world is a tent on that campground. Who and what I let in and out of that tent is entirely up to me...sometimes. Sometimes bugs let themselves in. But that's a different analogy.

When I wake up in the morning I step out of my tent and I see what the world has for me, and I present myself to the world. Lately I've been wondering about what I have to offer, and what I can do to make it more than what I've done. My world is so small, and I know because of how small it is I can do more for that which is in it. Or maybe I don't mean anything more than what I've already stood for.

I guess in a roundabout way I'm trying to say that I want to mean more to you than I already have, because I want to show you how much you mean to me. And I'm not really sure I know how to do that. And I don't think I'm trying hard enough. My self worth is brought into question and a mirror is put in front of me. How do I get the reflection just right? The reflection can't change unless I change it myself. And I think working to improve that is a life long journey, and I think finding people to inspire that improvement is essential.

Or maybe Tyler Durden was right: "Self improvement is masturbation."

Congratulations Jerkface

2008-10-08T18:47:00.001-07:00

I need new brakes. I keep accidentally writing "breaks" and that would be something completely different. I hate needing stuff like this because it's something I don't want to pay for but will have to. It's ok, car repairs are long overdue, but I'd be a lot more comfortable with this if I wasn't going to be out of work in a few weeks. Oh yeah, I'm going to be out of work in a few weeks and if you hear of something, keep me posted. I have yet to be in full panic mode about this. I feel like I have a security net somewhere that I'm falling towards and will eventually hit, but I just haven't fallen long enough to see it in sight. I don't go unemployed, it's not my style. I think because I like to be busy, have something to do, and working allows me to do something without having to be creative enough to come up with a hobby. Sad, isn't it, to have work be your hobby? At least my hobby pays.

For now I concentrate on the brakes at hand, and a weekend getaway that is so close I can taste the cheese. I'm not one to often make rash decisions, but lately I've had a pretty good reason to follow the more wild side of my head and heart. There's this older woman who lives in my new apartment building. I don't think she's alone, but she spends a lot of time milling about the courtyard. I don't think I'll be alone when I get older, or rather I hope not to be, but if I do end up that way I would love to be sitting in that courtyard thinking of the strange and exciting things I did at 28, instead of regretting not having done them. I know that sounds so cliche, or so obvious, but a lot of people sit by the way side and let things happen past them, or don't even have the opportunity at all and here I sit on my island of wonderful chance. How dare I not take all of it. How shameful to give it all up.

Do what you love, and love what you do, I suppose. And right now there is no doubt in my mind that I love what I'm doing. There are just not enough hours of the day for me to enjoy it in its fullest.

"Maybe I Love Josh?!"

2008-10-03T18:37:00.000-07:00

I live by something that Suze Orman said (that Roxanne told me): Never put yourself on sale. I use it for work. I make sure that when I walk into a job interview I know how much I'm worth, and I know not to settle under that number. These people shouldn't warrant a deal. I start working, and I usually give it my all (ok, so I'm writing this while at work, but then again, my cute coworker just offered me some scotch. Granted, it's the end of his day, and the beginning of mine, but I've seen Mad Men, you can work on a liquid lunch.) In short, work should get what they're paying for.

He says you give new meaning to the world "sweater."

Now I'm wondering how, in a part of my life where I'm not getting paid, can I translate this?What is my friendship worth? What can I offer the opposite sex? What am I worth to you? I guess we never really know our value to others. Heck, the people in my life might not know how incredibly important they are to me. I'd hate for them to think it was less than I have given. I also hope to not set anyone astray. It's a moral obligation to the people I love to make my intentions known, and it's even more important not to abuse the feelings of others.

Honey, do you want to hear some fusion??

Do I want to know what I'm worth to you? And would it change who I am if I knew? I probably would change the dynamic if I didn't like what I heard. But I know the right and wrong answer changes daily, because we're constantly in flux. No one's is happy with everyone and everything all the time. And if you are, please tell me your secret. Does it involve sedatives?

Inspired by Andy Rooney

2008-09-30T21:04:00.000-07:00

I think too much...about needless things. I think we all do. If we all thought about important stuff all the time, the world would have no problems. I think about that sensation you get when you're driving in your car, the one that would leave you to do something erratic, like drive over the median for no reason except that you could. You'd risk death, of course, but the feeling to separate oneself would be worth it, right? I'm thinking about unemployment, again. But, as usual, I'm not scared. In fact it might prompt me to look for (gasp!) a day job. Maybe I could go back to focusing on things that are important to me...like my appearance. I've been thinking about clothes, and jackets, and how my arms are always too fat for jackets, and I have to go a size up, and then I look boxy, but how do they always find perfect fitting jackets on "What Not to Wear?" I assume other people are shopping for those helpless souls who don't know how to dress.

I've been thinking about Passion, and Practicality, and how those two things create a perfect marriage. When you only have one of those things, I guess it would make an ok relationship, unless it's just passion, then it makes for more of a scene. It also probably makes for a great time in bed. Do you learn passion, or is it something you're gifted? Though my monotone voice would implicate something different, I consider myself pretty passionate...about work, life, sex, all those things I hope to make me happier, stronger, fitter. Does God give people passion? Are you born with it in your soul? We all have a little something driving us. I think about articles I've read where couples have stopped having sex after months/years of being in a relationship. That seems like a mistake, a hiccup in passion. I hope that doesn't happen to me.

I guess it's all dependent on if I want Practicality or Passion.

The Water is Warm

2008-09-28T01:14:00.000-07:00

I'm experiencing that feeling of exhaustion, without having done much of anything but eat, and run a little, and mostly laze around. It's a difficult life, no doubt.

Hey, has Bon Jovi(is it all one word?) always sang in support of baseball? Or is this a new thing?

So I recently moved out from living with my sister. I have always lived with family. For a while I still felt childlike because of this, like I had never really grown up. I assumed that once the crutch of living with family was taken out from under me I would be completely lost, and undefined. That didn't happen...fully. Now that I've moved into a different place(a place well established before I got here) I feel like I'm experiencing two different feelings: self awareness of what I need and want out of a home, and the adjustment to now living in someone else's. I think I'm happy with the way things are shaping up at the new place. It's kind of like how Garth describes a new pair of underwear in Wayne's World: "at first it's constrictive, but after a while it becomes a part of you." I think this place will have to be a part of me, but at the same time it has to have a part of me too. Now if only I could figure out a way to make this place look and feel like a luxury suite at a 4+ star hotel. I'm at least a three and a half star girl.

By the way, I just got to the part in True Lies where Jamie Lee Curtis has to do the "Sexy" dance for the guy who she doesn't know is actually her husband. Man is she agile. And man are her panties really high cut (check those out! I'm surprised they aren't overlapping with her bra strap.) They kind of make her look like an Amazon woman. A quirky Amazon woman who knows how to strip tease with style...but not a lot of grace. Now she sells Yogurt to help people be regular. Now that's versatility.

Is this the one where they see the whales?

2008-09-25T20:26:00.000-07:00

Paychecks are good. French Fries are good. I had both of those tonight. I probably shouldn't have had the french fries, but I have, as of late, had an insatiable appetite. I know why. I've had this appetite before, it's just more apparent now since I've been off the pill (birth control to those of you from before 1952.) It's amazing, as a woman, to have, every month, a shift in emotion yet still have absolutely no control over it. Every month I forget that I teeter on the verge of crazy for about three days. This goes along with uncontrollable eating and feeling bad about it.

Speaking of which, I'm making an attempt at discovering the cuisine this fair city of mine has to offer. It's not just the cuisine, but it's the scene, the life, the land I've so far ignored and put to the wayside. instead of buying food all week at work, maybe I will save my money and put it towards a new place to tempt my pallet. I've never been one for interesting food, but life's too short to not try something at least once. I didn't always go running every Saturday, and I tried that once, and haven't stopped. Maybe this will stick, even if it's just me and one other person interested in eating, and drinking, and discovering. This might be great. It might also backfire and I won't get cultured at all. At least I tried. Not everyone lives a privileged life like I do, it would be a shame to not take advantage of the sights, sounds, smells and tastes of it all. Join me on my life's adventure, won't you?

Here we are, face to face

2008-09-24T22:14:00.000-07:00

I wonder if the amount of time we spend talking about money was translated into doing something about our money problems, then we could be successful in the long run in solving them. Watching CNN doesn't help me think to manage my money, especially when they play ThermaSpa commercials. Have you seen this? It's like a hot tub you can also swim in. Swank. Of all the smart moves I've made in my life, I thank God I decided to screw around in math class and not go into the field of finances. If I had I know I would have had a panic attack by now. Hell, Anderson Cooper is just talking about money on my little TV and it's stressing me out.

Today is a strange day. It's taken a turn for the pessimistic. I try not to dwell too much on unclear feelings, but when the ball gets rolling, it's hard to stop it from tumbling over top of me. Thank God Sex and the City just started. Those women's issues are heightened and happen far more often than mine. They live through full relationships in about half an hour, and I'm sure if we counted the number of times they had to "figure things out" for themselves in a season it would far surpass me, ten fold. After all, I was never in love with a priest.

Maybe if I had been, he could have saved me already.

This Little Light of Mine

2008-09-24T00:52:00.000-07:00

In an attempt to write more frequently, and detach myself from a failed social network, I have created this secondary blog. I'd like to pick up where I left off...but then again, I feel like I've entered a second stage of my grown-up life. The Empire to my New Hope if you will. Hopefully this one doesn't end on such a downer. Right now my job is pretty awesome, my love life is chugging away, and My football team won this week, it's really primed to end poorly at any minute now!!

No matter, life is what you make of it. And right now I'm tired, a little uninspired, and hoping to write again, leaving my mark on the interweb/series of tubes. If this is the only post that happens on this blog, at least I put a toe in the water, knowing that I wanted to learn to swim at some point. Stay tuned for full laps.