Gather

I need to make a list. A list of things I would like to accomplish over the next two weeks while I have time to accomplish those things. I've already begun to really clean out my room. I feel like it's only a few carefully planned out organizing sessions away from being what I'd like it to be. My closet needs some rearranging, but before I can do that I would like to buy some storage bins to be able to accomplish neatness. My goal is to have everything in the closet placed in a way that I can pull it out easily without having to put it in something else to move it. 

Here is said list: 

Place DVD's in storage containers to better organize closet

Do laundry 

Vacuum already 

Find a way to better organize the makeup/hair accessories 

place clothes in an order that makes sense

Wash bathroom rugs

Clean out/Wash car  

Get oil change 

Run at least three times a week 

Finish watching season 4 of Lost 

Play Video Games and relax!!! 

I've already put a lot of pressure on myself to get a bunch of stuff done over the next two weeks, and on top of that I'll be going to Vegas in the middle of my vacation. At first I wasn't sure I wanted to go, but I haven't been in a good 7 months and what a better time to spend forced time off. I need to just relax, and enjoy that I have time off now to prepare for a long stretch of work where I'll be making a decent chunk of change. I think if I just keep organized, and I let myself be aware of what I want this living space to feel like I'll be fine. Maybe I'll even come up with an art project or two to make the room feel more lived in. We'll see! 

It was just a suggestion.

Every once in a while I get that sense of loneliness and solitude. Like I'm an island, and the mainland is off somewhere chatting about me; a bunch of girls gossiping about how they think I'm ok, but they don't really like me, or want to like me. I'd like to say that this feeling is unique, but I'm fairly certain we've all experienced it before. 

When I have this feeling, my urge is to assume that I've done something to annoy people, and I should probably step off the scene for a while. I had that sense today. I felt like I misread a tone, and suddenly I couldn't tell who my friends were, who my enemies were, and who might fit that grey "frenemies" category. You know, the people you're friends with, only so long as you have to be, but you know that once you're not together you assume they are saying something about your behavior, or your hair-do, and they just don't give themselves to you in a way that you can trust. But it's ok because you don't give yourself to them either: there's just something so fake about the relationship. And no one's at fault. We can't give ourselves to each other all the time. If we could all be friends, then we wouldn't have to conceptualize world peace. 

As I get older the circle of people I trust gets smaller, but more intimate and loving. I don't let anyone in right away like I used to, and new relationships develop far less often, and a whole lot slower. I'm ok with this, and part of the trepidatious feelings I felt earlier may have come from realizing that I had put too much faith in a friendship that hadn't quite been fully formed or realized yet. I think I'd like to put more effort into realizing the source of hurt feelings, and make sure my personal journey doesn't get tripped up by someone else's lack of knowledge about me. Or their lack or caring, for that matter. I am what I am. I love who I love. I do what I can. And I'd like to succeed. 

Refract

I spend far too much time on a social networking site. I'm not too proud of this. I've become obsessed with the actions of the people I'm friends with, and I can note things about folks I haven't seen in over ten years. I've noticed that I've begun to misinterpret people's tone. I forget what they sound like in real life, and what implications the sentence they write might have. Sometimes I take things too seriously, and some things not serious enough. 

I read someone's status and it said "___ has fallen in love." and I thought "Wow, good for her..." Then I thought about this person, and it seemed highly unlikely for them to write something so serious, and so bold. I realized that I took what I had read and made it sound how I wanted it to. Or how I liked how it sounded. 

I've done a lot of keeping myself in check lately. I serious necessity. I can't let my heart get away with my head. I need my head to make sure not to screw things up. I like how I am, and I don't think I should have to compromise it. My tone of voice should be the same out loud as it is on the page. I don't know if that makes any sense at all. 

A Messy Blog About Romance

It's amazing that romantic moment pull. I don't think it's because I'm a woman, though the constant fairy tale reminders made in my direction probably helps a whole heck of a lot, but every once in a while I want romance. Not sex (that desire happens more than every once in a while, ahem,) but romance. Diamonds, and roses, and compliments oh my! Remind me of how blue my eyes are, and how happy your heart is to be filled with my love. Tell me you need me, and I'll tell you I need you too. Romance. Like those debeers commercials with the string insturments, or when Rhett Butler carries her up the stairs. Slow-dancing, hand-holding, eye-gazing, Romance. 

Now, you ask yourself, does romance exist? Yes. I can confirm this. I have a list of my top 5 most romantic moments. I can't list those off on this blog, they are just too personal, but I know that those moments have happened to me. Were those moments actually romantic, or have I built the memory of them in my head as having been romantic? I don't know. But really, I don't care, because the memories I've kept close have made me happy, no matter what the outcome of the overall relationship was. 

I'm only 28, but I have been lucky enough to have romantic moments  to fill a top five list (2 of those five have happened rather recently) and I have faith in Romance enough that my list will grow and grow and grow. It could be slowly, but it's growing. 

I'm feeling Aubergine

In 2000, Eatons, a Macy's equivalent in Canada, decided to relaunch itself to have a more polished look. They put together an ad campaign that circled itself around the color "Aubergine," a version of purple. The ad campaign was very 1950s insipred and I loved it because it was clean, and beautiful and classy and all those things I want to be. 

I bought a dress for New Years. I would describe the color as Aubergine. It's really beautiful and I can't wait to wear it. These past few weeks I've felt out of shape. My face has broken out into multiple zits more than once. I've had a persistent pile of laundry on my floor. My split ends are out of control. I need the Aubergine in my life so bad. I need it to redefine what I said I wanted, and I want it to inspire me to keep that definition alive. Now more than ever do I need you, Aubergine: 

Freelance

I started a new job this week. Filled with trepidation, as always, to be in a new position at a new office for a new show I was, of course, worried about how things would go, and what was to be expected of me. Going into Deal, my last job, I walked in with the assumption that I was not going to live up to my expectations, despite not knowing what those expectations were. It was like being the foster child in a well established family. How were my mannerisms going to accepted at this new dinner table? Well the fear I brought to that job didn't help me any. In fact, there were so many times where it hindered my performance. Everything was so new and so different, by the book when I was used to off the cuff. I adjusted, and used my wits to my advantage and won over a few smiles. I left Deal with a small sense of belonging, knowing that if the chance for a sophomore year were to come around, I would buy a new trapper keeper, and sign up for all my regular classes. 

Cue  a new show with a LARGE following and no prospective air date. Having learned very little of the previous season, save for that the entire staff was turned over, I walked into the offices in with a different candor than the previous job. Someone had pointed out to me the newness of it all, and how green everyone would be. The energy here is...something. Not positive, or negative, but new and different. I've walked in here cautious, careful with feelings, a bit callous at times, knowing things won't always go my way. My acceptance of this is HUGE. I'm going to work here every day, and not worry about the painful hours, and the tedious tasks (that I happen to whip through compared to my coworkers.) I'm going to see it as a job, and only a job, a means to a me that I can work on outside of these four little walls. I think that person needs to be worked on, and figured out. She won't be found here. 

Who will be found is a girl who is headstrong and knows what the fuck she's doing. A girl who realizes more and more that her confidence level is a lot higher than average, despite thinking it's below everyone else. Someone who knows their shit. Maybe it's time to learn new shit. 

I am never in Love

Sometimes I am a Viking. I discover new worlds, new truths. I conquer and ravage, and decide that I am entitled. Sometimes I am a Serf, and I work for the Lord, and take care of the land, and don't cause too much commotion. Sometimes I'm a Patriot. I believe and hope and know to fight for what I believe in, even if it isn't what's real. Sometimes I am a Show Boat. I serve no other purpose that to be and to be seen. Sometimes I am a Loudmouth. I tell you all my stories and have no regrets, until you tell everyone else and hurt me. Sometimes I am a Fanatic, and want to bathe in the light of your creativity, and smile, and look upon you with awe and inspiration. Sometimes I am Las Vegas, a cheap and easy desert, or a rich and fun wonderland. Sometimes I am a Funeral, somber and sad, remorseful and confused. Sometimes I am a Circus, lit up and ready to entertain, certain. Sometimes I am a Bully to make you know your place in our universe. Sometimes I am a Neck, and Lips, and Eyes, and Toes. I am Fingers and Lust. Sometimes I am smarter than you hope, more driven than you want, above what you thought.  I am broken, and selfish and need to be fixed and want you to be my mechanic. Sometimes I don't need you. 

I am a lot of things. And those things are all worth something. They are the pieces of the whole, the supreme being. The one thing that I am. And until we die, we don't know what that really all is.