Freelance

I started a new job this week. Filled with trepidation, as always, to be in a new position at a new office for a new show I was, of course, worried about how things would go, and what was to be expected of me. Going into Deal, my last job, I walked in with the assumption that I was not going to live up to my expectations, despite not knowing what those expectations were. It was like being the foster child in a well established family. How were my mannerisms going to accepted at this new dinner table? Well the fear I brought to that job didn't help me any. In fact, there were so many times where it hindered my performance. Everything was so new and so different, by the book when I was used to off the cuff. I adjusted, and used my wits to my advantage and won over a few smiles. I left Deal with a small sense of belonging, knowing that if the chance for a sophomore year were to come around, I would buy a new trapper keeper, and sign up for all my regular classes. 

Cue  a new show with a LARGE following and no prospective air date. Having learned very little of the previous season, save for that the entire staff was turned over, I walked into the offices in with a different candor than the previous job. Someone had pointed out to me the newness of it all, and how green everyone would be. The energy here is...something. Not positive, or negative, but new and different. I've walked in here cautious, careful with feelings, a bit callous at times, knowing things won't always go my way. My acceptance of this is HUGE. I'm going to work here every day, and not worry about the painful hours, and the tedious tasks (that I happen to whip through compared to my coworkers.) I'm going to see it as a job, and only a job, a means to a me that I can work on outside of these four little walls. I think that person needs to be worked on, and figured out. She won't be found here. 

Who will be found is a girl who is headstrong and knows what the fuck she's doing. A girl who realizes more and more that her confidence level is a lot higher than average, despite thinking it's below everyone else. Someone who knows their shit. Maybe it's time to learn new shit. 

I am never in Love

Sometimes I am a Viking. I discover new worlds, new truths. I conquer and ravage, and decide that I am entitled. Sometimes I am a Serf, and I work for the Lord, and take care of the land, and don't cause too much commotion. Sometimes I'm a Patriot. I believe and hope and know to fight for what I believe in, even if it isn't what's real. Sometimes I am a Show Boat. I serve no other purpose that to be and to be seen. Sometimes I am a Loudmouth. I tell you all my stories and have no regrets, until you tell everyone else and hurt me. Sometimes I am a Fanatic, and want to bathe in the light of your creativity, and smile, and look upon you with awe and inspiration. Sometimes I am Las Vegas, a cheap and easy desert, or a rich and fun wonderland. Sometimes I am a Funeral, somber and sad, remorseful and confused. Sometimes I am a Circus, lit up and ready to entertain, certain. Sometimes I am a Bully to make you know your place in our universe. Sometimes I am a Neck, and Lips, and Eyes, and Toes. I am Fingers and Lust. Sometimes I am smarter than you hope, more driven than you want, above what you thought.  I am broken, and selfish and need to be fixed and want you to be my mechanic. Sometimes I don't need you. 

I am a lot of things. And those things are all worth something. They are the pieces of the whole, the supreme being. The one thing that I am. And until we die, we don't know what that really all is. 

Give me something to talk about

I might have a case of the blues. I could barely get out of bed today, and I've been having wicked dreams. I'm not entirely sure I know my own city anymore. I used to have comfort living here, and now I just feel like a stranger. No, I feel unwelcome, and that's so much worse. It's like my favorite pair of shoes got wet and now they don't fit. I'm not sure how that works, but I never thought I would be the kind of person who could feel that way. A swirling spiral of uncertainty. I'd like to think that I'm going to "come out of this" but sometimes, after I've looked back at everything I've written, and all I've lived through, that there isn't an end to that uncertainty. You never do feel comfortable. 

I saw a girl on the street today, and she was smiling so big. I thought "She must be having an upswing." She must be dating someone great, have a good job, be able to go shopping when she needs to, living somewhere great, and just being great at life. And I thought "I wish it would just all come together for me." Right now my tires need changing. My job's about to end. I'm tired all the time. I just don't feel like that girl on the street. Every once in a while, though, I have to admit, my heart gets a flutter these days, so I'm pretty confident that I can be that girl on the street with the big smile on my face. I just need to hold onto that flutter for a little bit longer. Keep those butterflies living in my heart! 

Like a Natural Woman

Day to day we don't know what the world is going to give us. In return we hope only to be able to have an idea of what we can give it back. Somedays I am completely clueless as to what I can potentially offer this world. The definition of world here is very specific to me. I relate it to MY world, the world in which I've partially created, the one where I've placed myself and my life upon an even greater world. Think of the Universe as a field, and our world as a campground. My world is a tent on that campground. Who and what I let in and out of that tent is entirely up to me...sometimes. Sometimes bugs let themselves in. But that's a different analogy. 

When I wake up in the morning I step out of my tent and I see what the world has for me, and I present myself to the world. Lately I've been wondering about what I have to offer, and what I can do to make it more than what I've done. My world is so small, and I know because of how small it is I can do more for that which is in it. Or maybe I don't mean anything more than what I've already stood for. 

I guess in a roundabout way I'm trying to say that I want to mean more to you than I already have, because I want to show you how much you mean to me. And I'm not really sure I know how to do that. And I don't think I'm trying hard enough. My self worth is brought into question and a mirror is put in front of me. How do I get the reflection just right? The reflection can't change unless I change it myself. And I think working to improve that is a life long journey, and I think finding people to inspire that improvement is essential. 

Or maybe Tyler Durden was right: "Self improvement is masturbation." 

Congratulations Jerkface

I need new brakes. I keep accidentally writing "breaks" and that would be something completely different. I hate needing stuff like this because it's something I don't want to pay for but will have to.  It's ok, car repairs are long overdue, but I'd be a lot more comfortable with this if I wasn't going to be out of work in a few weeks. Oh yeah, I'm going to be out of work in a few weeks and if you hear of something, keep me posted. I have yet to be in full panic mode about this. I feel like I have a security net somewhere that I'm falling towards and will eventually hit, but I just haven't fallen long enough to see it in sight. I don't go unemployed, it's not my style. I think because I like to be busy, have something to do, and working allows me to do something without having to be creative enough to come up with a hobby. Sad, isn't it, to have work be your hobby? At least my hobby pays. 

For now I concentrate on the brakes at hand, and a weekend getaway that is so close I can taste the cheese. I'm not one to often make rash decisions, but lately I've had a pretty good reason to follow the more wild side of my head and heart. There's this older woman who lives in my new apartment building. I don't think she's alone, but she spends a lot of time milling about the courtyard. I don't think I'll be alone when I get older, or rather I hope not to be, but if I do end up that way I would love to be sitting in that courtyard thinking of the strange and exciting things I did at 28, instead of regretting not having done them. I know that sounds so cliche, or so obvious, but a lot of people sit by the way side and let things happen past them, or don't even have the opportunity at all and here I sit on my island of wonderful chance. How dare I not take all of it. How shameful to give it all up. 

Do what you love, and love what you do, I suppose. And right now there is no doubt in my mind that I love what I'm doing. There are just not enough hours of the day for me to enjoy it in its fullest. 

"Maybe I Love Josh?!"

I live by something that Suze Orman said (that Roxanne told me): Never put yourself on sale. I use it for work. I make sure that when I walk into a job interview I know how much I'm worth, and I know not to settle under that number. These people shouldn't warrant a deal. I start working, and I usually give it my all (ok, so I'm writing this while at work, but then again, my cute coworker just offered me some scotch. Granted, it's the end of his day, and the beginning of mine, but I've seen Mad Men, you can work on a liquid lunch.) In short, work should get what they're paying for. 

He says you give new meaning to the world "sweater." 

Now I'm wondering how, in a part of my life where I'm not getting paid, can I translate this?What is my friendship worth? What can I offer the opposite sex? What am I worth to you? I guess we never really know our value to others. Heck, the people in my life might not know how incredibly important they are to me. I'd hate for them to think it was less than I have given. I also hope to not set anyone astray. It's a moral obligation to the people I love to make my intentions known, and it's even more important not to abuse the feelings of others. 

Honey, do you want to hear some fusion??

Do I want to know what I'm worth to you? And would it change who I am if I knew? I probably would change the dynamic if I didn't like what I heard. But I know the right and wrong answer changes  daily, because we're constantly in flux. No one's is happy with everyone and everything all the time. And if you are, please tell me your secret. Does it involve sedatives? 

Inspired by Andy Rooney

I think too much...about needless things. I think we all do. If we all thought about important stuff all the time, the world would have no problems. I think about that sensation you get when you're driving in your car, the one that would leave you to do something erratic, like drive over the median for no reason except that you could. You'd risk death, of course, but the feeling to separate oneself would be worth it, right? I'm thinking about unemployment, again. But, as usual, I'm not scared. In fact it might prompt me to look for (gasp!) a day job. Maybe I could go back to focusing on things that are important to me...like my appearance. I've been thinking about clothes, and jackets, and how my arms are always too fat for jackets, and I have to go a size up, and then I look boxy, but how do they always find perfect fitting jackets on "What Not to Wear?" I assume other people are shopping for those helpless souls who don't know how to dress. 

I've been thinking about Passion, and Practicality, and how those two things create a perfect marriage. When you only have one of those things, I guess it would make an ok relationship, unless it's just passion, then it makes for more of a scene. It also probably makes for a great time in bed. Do you learn passion, or is it something you're gifted? Though my monotone voice would implicate something different, I consider myself pretty passionate...about work, life, sex, all those things I hope to make me happier, stronger, fitter. Does God give people passion? Are you born with it in your soul? We all have a little something driving us. I think about articles I've read where couples have stopped having sex after months/years of being in a relationship. That seems like a mistake, a hiccup in passion. I hope that doesn't happen to me. 

I guess it's all dependent on if I want Practicality or Passion.