You don't know what you've got

I feel really positive, like change is happening...or is it going back to the a routine I liked? I'm not sure. I rejoined a gym that I had been a member of a while back, then was forced to put my membership on pause. I finally realized that I needed it in my life, because working out isn't something I'm good at doing independently. I kind of need to be told what to do when it comes to that kind of stuff. Other things in my life I'm highly self motivated at doing. I do my taxes promptly every year, and pay *most* of my bills early(well, at least on time.) But when it comes to exercise I'm generally lost in the dark. The same goes with eating well. I imagine the way I think about food is the way that alcoholics think about booze. Right now I'm well aware that there's a drawer full of chocolate, and two bags of Doritos in this office. Since I walked in today that's all I've been able to think about. I haven't touched either yet, which is a huge feat right now. I'm proud of myself, and I know that at some point tonight I'm going to eat my lean cuisine and my awful bag of carrots and broccoli, and it'll feel good. I don't want to change the way I look, really, I'm pretty happy with that(except for my hair length, I need some serious Peanut Butter Solution to make this shit grow) but I'd love to change the way I feel.

Next on the roster is cleaning my room. I'm finding it really difficult to keep my whole life in one room. It's expanding and protruding from all sides. I go to people's houses who seem to have an immaculate living situation, yet here I am with what looks like JUNK everywhere. I'm not a contender for "Hoarders" by any means, but I just am really feeling the amount of STUFF that's pressing down on my life, and my inability to really organize it in a way that makes me feel comfortable. In about three weeks a team of people are going to come to my house to replace the carpet in my room (THANK GOD) and I'll have to move everything out of it for them to do this, and it scares me to have to move all my Junk back in. I'm hoping to be able to use this time to really sort through the stuff I just don't need and manage to keep that which I really do use.

I don't think life should feel like an uphill battle, but I'm afraid some aspects of it always will. I'm always going to struggle with food, and I'm always going to want to keep all these useless things because they have some sort of sentiment to me. But I need to remind myself that it's not things that will be missed at the end of our days. It never is. Though sometimes I think "I wish I hadn't lost that other arm warmer at Disneyland...it really did go well with my fall jacket..." Oh well.