Friday, November 7, 2008


I started a new job this week. Filled with trepidation, as always, to be in a new position at a new office for a new show I was, of course, worried about how things would go, and what was to be expected of me. Going into Deal, my last job, I walked in with the assumption that I was not going to live up to my expectations, despite not knowing what those expectations were. It was like being the foster child in a well established family. How were my mannerisms going to accepted at this new dinner table? Well the fear I brought to that job didn't help me any. In fact, there were so many times where it hindered my performance. Everything was so new and so different, by the book when I was used to off the cuff. I adjusted, and used my wits to my advantage and won over a few smiles. I left Deal with a small sense of belonging, knowing that if the chance for a sophomore year were to come around, I would buy a new trapper keeper, and sign up for all my regular classes. 

Cue  a new show with a LARGE following and no prospective air date. Having learned very little of the previous season, save for that the entire staff was turned over, I walked into the offices in with a different candor than the previous job. Someone had pointed out to me the newness of it all, and how green everyone would be. The energy here is...something. Not positive, or negative, but new and different. I've walked in here cautious, careful with feelings, a bit callous at times, knowing things won't always go my way. My acceptance of this is HUGE. I'm going to work here every day, and not worry about the painful hours, and the tedious tasks (that I happen to whip through compared to my coworkers.) I'm going to see it as a job, and only a job, a means to a me that I can work on outside of these four little walls. I think that person needs to be worked on, and figured out. She won't be found here. 

Who will be found is a girl who is headstrong and knows what the fuck she's doing. A girl who realizes more and more that her confidence level is a lot higher than average, despite thinking it's below everyone else. Someone who knows their shit. Maybe it's time to learn new shit. 

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

I am never in Love

Sometimes I am a Viking. I discover new worlds, new truths. I conquer and ravage, and decide that I am entitled. Sometimes I am a Serf, and I work for the Lord, and take care of the land, and don't cause too much commotion. Sometimes I'm a Patriot. I believe and hope and know to fight for what I believe in, even if it isn't what's real. Sometimes I am a Show Boat. I serve no other purpose that to be and to be seen. Sometimes I am a Loudmouth. I tell you all my stories and have no regrets, until you tell everyone else and hurt me. Sometimes I am a Fanatic, and want to bathe in the light of your creativity, and smile, and look upon you with awe and inspiration. Sometimes I am Las Vegas, a cheap and easy desert, or a rich and fun wonderland. Sometimes I am a Funeral, somber and sad, remorseful and confused. Sometimes I am a Circus, lit up and ready to entertain, certain. Sometimes I am a Bully to make you know your place in our universe. Sometimes I am a Neck, and Lips, and Eyes, and Toes. I am Fingers and Lust. Sometimes I am smarter than you hope, more driven than you want, above what you thought.  I am broken, and selfish and need to be fixed and want you to be my mechanic. Sometimes I don't need you. 

I am a lot of things. And those things are all worth something. They are the pieces of the whole, the supreme being. The one thing that I am. And until we die, we don't know what that really all is.