Monday, February 16, 2009

The mundane might be the most exciting stuff

I want to change my facebook status every 15 minutes. I know this means one thing: I should be blogging. 

I'm still sick. I'm in denial about it, and have been all week, but I should probably go to the doctor at some point and make sure I don't have something stupid like walking pnemonia, or bronchitis. Before I know it I'll be that Brazillian model, and you'll have to amputate my hands. Sad. 

Work is going well. I like days. I don't work out as much though. Well I've been sick, for one, and that hasn't helped. I've also been working 6 day work weeks. I'm really excited for that to be over. Putting together a normal schedule should soon follow, though I have to say working days I'm finding it harder to do the same things I did when I worked nights. I don't know, time seemed more selfish. I would wake up when I wanted, left the house when I could, drove against the traffic, and ran all my errands during the day. I could have gone to the doctor and have this cold out of me by now. Instead I find myself just wrestling with very little time to do anything. 

Yesterday I had a great moment of reflection. I had just come back from a trip to Target where I had bought myself a bunch of things I kind of, sort of needed. I made dinner and tidied up a few things in the apartment (though created a pile of dishes I didn't tackle.) I climbed in bed and just had a moment of Zen where it was all so easy. My life is easy, and pleasing, and I don't regret being able to lead it. We are the lucky ones, aren't we? 

Thursday, February 12, 2009

My Heart is in Your Teeth

"Listening to old Jewel albums reminds me that being a crazy girl is normal." - Becky Mair via chat with Lindsay Ringwald

This never ends does it? How is it that after having my period for almost 18 years I still have no control of my emotions the week before it happens? Even worse, I forget, every time, the potential of my senility. Other women know; we respect it, we know a crazy bitch when we see one and our bodies know that the only way to sympathize is to hop on their cycle (or for them to hop on ours) thus removing ourselves out of any dangerous path. I just want to be used to it, and instead I take the wave and I ride it. 

I'm feeling particularly crazy lately. I've been dieting, working days. I was exercising but that was thwarted by my getting the plague. I rarely equate being sick with being unhappy. I have always been one to handle it in stride, but lately I don't want to handle it. I just want it to go away. I want to be independent. I can't do that when I feel helpless and PMSing. DAMMIT. The rage is overwhelming, isn't it?! I guess it could be worse. I could be the one to have to convince everyone to sign over a bailout bill that will have my, my children, and my children's childrens' taxes go toward saving irresponsible companies. Thank God I'm not smart enough for that job. I'm barely smart enough for this one, it feels lately. 

At least I learned today that sushi can be a low fat food. And that the R Kelly Ignition Remix still makes me feel good. 

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

I hear lies. Every fucking day.

I hate that feeling I can get sometimes. The feeling that all this time I've been lying to myself about how good I look to make myself feel good, so I can get through day to day and not fall off any sort of wagon. What is the truth? Is it that this all doesn't matter because we're going to die one day, or be sick, and hurt, and suffer, and that feeling of loneliness I felt while I was sitting in Bay 1 looking at hideous pictures from the past weekend is totally moot? Am I lying because I know it doesn't matter, or am I lying because it matters so much and the truth hurts? 

I just don't know.