Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Like I never needed love before

I had to buy a new air freshner for my car. I choose the one that hangs over my mirror now for two reasons 1. it was a pink dolphin 2. the scent advertised was "Love Spell." For your information, Love Spell is similar smelling to all designer impostor perfumes that you can buy at the dollar store. I didn't realize love was so cheap. 

This just started playing on my iTunes: 

When I was 17 there was a big part of me that was too embarrassed to admit to liking the Spice Girls. Now, at 28, I regret not having gone to their "reunion" tour. I love losing that "cool," because it makes me feel so much cooler. I know that doesn't make much sense, but releasing that fear of other people's opinions, and just loving what you love is so satisfying. I loved the new Star Trek movie. I thought it was great, and fun, and I'm probably going to see it again, and I'm unapologetic for thinking that, though Karl Urban might have been over the top, I enjoyed every minute of his version of "Bones" McCoy. I have plans to see Ghosts of Girlfriends' Past, and truth be told, I'll probably like that one just as much (so long as Matthew McCone-unspellablelastname-ghey and Jennifer Garner end up together in the end *fingers crossed*) 

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Button on my Tongue

You made me laugh today without even knowing it. Not a loud belly laugh, or a coy blush, but a genuine laugh. I could feel it in my heart. I could feel it in my gut. Guts...that's a funny word. 

I listen to this soft sweet music right now. It makes me want to dance in a cotton dress, barefoot in the grass and under the stars, with this hot wind whipping around me, my hair dancing to its own rhythm. I'm happy to be able to say that I do remember the last time my toes felt the grass between them. Now if only I could remember the last time my toes felt the sand. 

My hands are a mess. I can't stop biting and peeling the skin off them. I gnaw at my nails constantly. I suppose it's an attempt to cool my jets. I know I'm nervous about the new job. I can't tell how I'm doing because the feedback seems to always be positive in this industry, no matter what they might be saying when you're not around. One day I'm going to bite away the fingerprints.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

to make sentences

I see the future like a stained glass window with no design. The broken pieces of glass come to represent fragments of my life put together in a portrait making up an abstract whole. This whole means something. It's something different to everyone who looks at it: a past, a present a future. It's beautifully put together for some, horribly arranged for others. I feel the dryness on my fingers, but the moisture on my body. It's a reminder that I feel anything at all. The soothing sounds of drums and voices envelope me as I think about the smell of that perfume I apply to the backs of my legs for you. I dream of India, of Egypt. Of linen fabrics draped over windows keeping the sun out, and the cool in. Your eyes sparkle a blue frost over me, acting as the breeze through that fabric does, running through my hair, over my shoulders, lovingly across my face. You see the red in my cheeks. I know you see it because I see the red in yours. "I need you here, this night" in the desert heat. 

I tuck the rock back into my pocket and do not throw it into the lake. This one I save. I save knowing that I shouldn't; it is meant to get lost at the bottom with the others. It's smoothness settles, and it is unique. It is mine.