This Ain't no Disco

Today I got my haircut next to a handsome man who said he worked in Mutual Funds. I laughed at myself when I realized I had no idea what that meant, but admired his beautiful face through the mirror unabashedly as I changed the frequency.  Instead, I tuned in to listen to the stylist who told me about his last visit to a wal-mart back home in Phoenix where he saw a man dressed as Santa wheeling around the store on a motorized scooter as children asked to sit on his lap and request gifts for Christmas. We laughed together, Travis and I. My haircut went well, and now my face is properly framed. I drove through Hollywood, accidentally turning up Curson. Silly girl, Curson doesn't meet up with Franklin. I turn too early. And I try to turn soft and lovely any time I have the chance. Making very calculated plans, and eating a sandwich, I dreaded, but yet prepared, and it worked out just find because I found center. There is some strength in my core muscles. Finally. 8 weeks in. Later I giggled over frozen yogurt, and gossip, and didn't have to prove a smile, because it was there all along. The combination of green tea, mango and strawberries was divine, and I couldn't get enough, but knew I couldn't get anymore. And that day I drove up the street until the sun came up over Santa Monica Boulevard. 

Hyper Drive

Today I listen to Motown. It is my favorite thing to do. It reminds me that no one knows anything about anything when it comes to dealing with human emotions, least of all, Diana Ross. 

I got new tires for my car this weekend. It is officially no longer a death trap, but a money pit. I hope to get a good detailing, and then be finished with car maintenance for a while. It's a good little car, the new tires helped to remind me of that. I also got my nails done at the same time. They looked rough going in, and I think are on the way to being ready for spring. I don't know why this matters, I really don't, but for some reason, yesterday afternoon, it did. Maybe just to remind me that I, too, am a good little car. 

This blog is a dud. I'll try again tomorrow. 

The Week

A lot can happen in a week. Lives can change. Stephanie pointed out that you could be alive on monday and be buried by Thursday. The matter that makes up your body would be underground for as long as time. Not me, though. I want you to burn my body. 

I wish there were more reminders that life is so precious. I doubt there ever will be. "Live life to the fullest" they say. Who are they that are able to retain this? I think I've been successful to live a pretty full life. I wonder, though, what it takes to remember how to maintain that fullness indefinitely. Can you? Or do you settle? It seems like a lot of people settle. Is settling the right thing to do? Have I just not realized this? Whatever. In a week it could all be over. I'd hate to have the same last week over and over and over again in anticipation of the end. 

Upkeep

I find it hard to wear high heels every day. Well I don't find it physically hard. Yes, heels take a toll on your feet, and leg muscles, but you get used to it. And secretly we know that our legs look so much better because of those heels. As Brad Pitt once said "The body acclimates." I find it difficult to feel comfortable being that girl who wears high heels everyday. I work in a casual industry and I tend to dress down. Jeans, cute T, nice sneakers, makeup: it works. I find I have to talk myself into wearing heels knowing that when I do people are going to react differently. But isn't that what I want? To get a reaction?

Oddly, I don't think I'm waiting for you to tell me how hot my legs look in my high heels. I think I'm just excited to get to wear them. So I'm going to try and wear them more often. Not for you. For me. 

Hit you like a truck.

**Please note that for the next week I will be attempting to write one blog a day. Wish me luck. 

I went to a cafe last night. It was the shape of a boat that appeared to be docked on dry land and was Titanic themed. There were pictures of Kate and Leo all over the walls. How interesting. The menu was almost entirely in Korean except for a section of smoothies (we stuck to getting those instead of adventuring on the other side of the menu.) It was almost sensory overload, had my senses not needed to be touched so bad. 

It's strange what a random night out can do for you; the insight it can offer into your personality. I still get shy around strangers who talk to me in bars. Shy and defensive, and I wonder what they want. I wonder their intent. Sometimes it's nothing more than to have a conversation with someone new. And deep down I know that I want to hear from there. It's rare that I seek out to talk to new people, and I see that as a major character flaw. I have to be led the way to talking to someone most times. I find I have spent a lifetime surrounding myself with louder personalities than myself to make up for that. And I love these boisterous people. They make me happy, and they fill the void. Now I think the next step is to learn something from them. 

the bulbs never opened quite fully

In Quills the Marquis explains how he writes of the world: "I write of the great, eternal truths that bind together all mankind. The whole world over, we eat, we shit, we fuck, we kill, and we die."  I think about those animalistic qualities all humans seem to share. It's all very carnal. And I wonder how it relates to our emotions. Despite the physical needs, the fornication, the hunger, I think about the way we have grown to need to feel. Twitter, facebook, myspace, these social networks make us reach out more to one another everyday through a universe we can't touch. Touch, and presence is a part of emotion and humanity, though, and eventually the unseen universe needs to step aside, and let real life take its course, I suppose. I wonder if in the future people will learn to connect the two. I hope not. I like being in real time. 

Someone recently described me as being "ballsy" and having had a sense of adventure that most people wouldn't, or couldn't have. This had come after I felt a great loss, and it really helped to pick me up. I sit at my computer, wondering how to make it better, to get out of the rut, without even realizing that there might not be a rut at all. Daily I reach out and share emotions with people around me, and connect to them in ways most people can't, and I am really happy about that because there was a time in my life where I felt that I could never find that at all. I'm glad to have broken through my personal unseen universe. 

I just have to remember to buy myself flowers, though. 

Thinking of my heart.

It's unbelievable how fragile my heart is. I say it's unbelievable, but I have rarely let it get into situations where it could be bruised or broken. And even then, I take preventative measures knowing that if something were to happen, I can't blame any responsibility on my heart or the fated breaker of said heart. You're heart won't get hurt if you have a wall around it. 

But the truth is that you can't build a wall that will last. Time tears it down. The wall I build is made of a certain dishonesty. It's not a lie I tell myself, but rather the holding back of the truth. I seldom tell the people I love, and care for, how I really feel, and therefore can only blame myself when they walk away. Sad. 

I can't be responsible for people walking away from me. I can be responsible for not doing more for them while they were in front of me, but it's someone's choice to walk away from me. And it hurts every time. But if there is a master plan, and something to learn, I'm hoping that it will make me appreciate and understand the world better. But when it first happens, being a part of the world is the last thing this little heart wants.