Super Delicious

I live a charmed life filled with jewel tones and happy thoughts. It's an amazing life, and I never forget how blessed I am. I do, however, forget the people around me, and how they aren't always full of love, like myself. 

I'm turning 29 this year. I've already accepted two things: 1. I don't like it, and 2. I can't stop it. I've begun to tell myself that I am, in fact, 29. There are a lot of things I thought I would be when I was 29, and single wasn't one of them. But it's ok because everything else about it is superdelicious. By the end of my 29th year I'll have paid off my car, finished my 5th year of consistent employment within the entertainment industry, I will have lived in Los Angeles for a little more than 9 years, and hope to have a nest egg larger than I could have dreamed of when I was working retail. I have a handful of friends and family who have proven to want to do anything for me. I think that I have to take a few minutes of my time to write this all down so that I can remember that when that time comes, when I begin that 29th year, I make sure to keep these quintessential truths of my life in tact and be able to be there for the people who have been with me year after year. Them being there for me has made me who I am. I don't want to let them down because, in the end, I would be letting myself down. 

I hope you all know how thankful I am for you. How greatful. And if you don't, please tell me how I can show you. 

Small Talk

I asked myself 'what I would say if someone asked me "What are you up to these days?"' That answer probably shouldn't be said out loud, but it makes me laugh, so here it is: 

Well, I've been wearing high heels and spring clothing, avoiding having to do my hair nicely considering my bangs looked good for a total of 15 seconds after I got them cut, and now I don't know what to do with them. I've been trying to figure out how to use skype so I can call Canada and stop feeling guilty about being so cheap when I don't. This has proven to be more difficult than I thought (sometimes I don't know how I got a job in a tech field at all.) I've been avoiding any responsibility at work, looking at internet dresses I don't buy. And am fairly certain this man and I are going to meet and fall in love one day. It really is only a matter of time. I've also been avoiding drinking water, and my workout schedule is pretty lax. I am not proud of either of these things.  

20 Seconds to Comply

I'm not entirely sure I have anything to say. I certainly don't have anything to do. I feel like announcing to the office "So my mom was Catholic once upon a time, therefore I should leave so I can properly pay my respects to Good Friday." I, of course, would leave and go to the gym. That's not appropriate.  

Instead  I've managed to NOTHING for about 2 hours. It's fine. I know that there are points in my job life where I'll be busier, so I shouldn't feel the guilt that comes with sitting at my desk, looking up pictures of cute boys on the internet, and listening to old Xtina *shrug* 

I've dressed as if I'm going to a sock hop after work. I kind of wish this were true. Doesn't it seem like "times were easier" back then? Like, you go to dances, listen to the radio, go to bed early, wear big skirts and tight t-shirts, and your hair in a pony tail while you drink milkshakes with your boyfriend, unaware of calories, and cancer, and all those poisons we're hyper aware of now. I know that life wasn't really like that. But, man, do I wish it was. I suppose we learned, over time, that the picture perfect wasn't all it was cracked up to be, and we had movements and revolutions, and sociology, and technology pushed us forward, making sure no one's innocence was spared, and all bubbles burst. And we assume that life is better now that we know, and everything is laid out on the table. 

Perhaps there was some comfort in the unknown. I doubt it, though. 

Still Downloading Your Music

I've been thinking a lot about the term "giving up" lately, and what it really means. Well, rather, how it's put into practice. I tend to try not to give up. There is no satisfaction, only regret when we give up on things. And a life filled with regret is a life of heavy thoughts and empty hearts. But sometimes you're forced into giving up because the outcome you desire is not tangible. Not getting what I want is a concept I try to keep foreign, but I know deep down inside what I think I want, what I know I want, and what I can have don't always live on the same plain, and acknowledging that is the first step to walking away from that regret and filling up the holes in your heart by finding the proper caulk, if you excuse a giggle inducing metaphor. 

I watch a lot of Lost and last week there was a discussion about time being linear. I have always accepted that our lives were on a timeline heading in the same direction. If we consider just time alone being the definer of this timeline, it's true. Minutes, hours, days pass by and we all move with them, not really toward anything, we just move forward. But beyond time, we move in so many directions. Some of us continue to move forward, but some of us move back, at different speeds and lengths. And some of us move everywhere, all the time. For a while I think I was forcing myself to move in one direction. I had tunnel vision and could see a light ahead of me that I thought I wanted to break through to. But I was derailed, and I looked to my right and my left, and I saw something. It was like a thousand holes poked through a black piece of paper. I saw light. It will always be up to me to break through any one of those holes, or to choose not to.  But that I know the holes exist means that I'm already ahead of the curve. 

Find your holes. 

C'mon C'mon

Everything feels so sureal. Like tomorrow I'm going to forget that I have to get up, and drive to the airport, and park my car, and check into an airline, and get on a plane, and go. I know I'm not driving to work tomorrow. I packed my bags, and the clothing I'm bringing feels random and arbitrary. I'd say minimalist, but the colors are bright, and the combinations bizarre, enough to question myself over and over again: "are you sure you know what's about to happen?" I guess none of us really do know for sure. I am going to take a moment to set my alarm clock immediately. 

O.K. I've written several paragraphs and erased them, realizing that I don't know what to say next. None of it has kept me interested, but I really like  that the ideas and words were put into the world and now they're floating over my head. And I am the only one who knows what they said and that they really existed. Those things I wrote, were they about you? And if they were, were they positive, or negative? Can you hear what I have to say, or are you standing naked in the dark, wondering if I give a damn? 

I probably don't give a damn. 

 

Juicy Fruit

Emotions give me a headache. No wonder people seek out Xanax and lobotomies. Xanax, I've learned(though not through personal use) will kill your libido, and your desire to have sex won't return for six months until after you've stopped taking it. I find it hard to believe a life where I didn't want to have sex. Needless to say, I am not taking Xanax, instead I'm drinking diet coke and taking advil. I'm sure they're made up of the same ingredients. The last text I received read "advil is magic and it tastes like candy." True Facts. 

Work is generally better than the average job. I know this because I've had average jobs, and they don't pay you well, you don't get free soda, and there are no dance parties. But today I can't seem to get away from the desire to not want to be here, despite barely having any work. I now turn to a list of places I would rather be: 

In a hammock on the beach in Hawaii

In my sleep number bed, finally finishing those Goddamn vampire books 

Shopping at H&M 

Lake swimming

Sitting in a clean hottub 

Under a tree at the park finishing Revolutionary Road

At a small theater watching The Big Lebowski and eating Milk Duds and Popcorn

On a gondola ride in Venice 

Eating cheese and drinking wine in the French country side 

Making out/having sex with someone who knows what they're doing 

Those are just the highlights.