Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Fatty fatty two-by-four

I don't know if I look heavy, but I feel it. I feel like I've gained weight over the holiday season, and I can't shake it. I feel like whenever I'm around food, I can't help myself but eat it. I went out to both dinner and lunch today, and though I made OK choices, but I know better than to eat out twice. I buy "healthy alternative" snacks but eat them entirely on my own. I run, I run a lot, but I eat, I eat a lot. And there is no counter balancing, it seems. My belt goes from the average hole I wear it on to the looser, instead of the average and the tighter. I feel like I'm busting out of my skin. Like ripping at the seams. All my outside the house activities deal with food, as do the lounging in doors activities. People have stopped telling me I look good. This breaks me the most. 

And the scary thing about it all is that I'm comfortable most days. When I'm eating I'm unapologetic. I do it blindly. And now I sit here terrified, afraid at the mistake I'm making. I'm afraid of seeing myself slowly turn into that fat girl again. I hate that fat girl. She's miserable and lonely and who wants to be that? Not me. I just don't know how to change it. I've done it before, but I don't know how to get it under control. I forget, and I need help. 

I need HELP. 

Monday, January 12, 2009


I need to make a list. A list of things I would like to accomplish over the next two weeks while I have time to accomplish those things. I've already begun to really clean out my room. I feel like it's only a few carefully planned out organizing sessions away from being what I'd like it to be. My closet needs some rearranging, but before I can do that I would like to buy some storage bins to be able to accomplish neatness. My goal is to have everything in the closet placed in a way that I can pull it out easily without having to put it in something else to move it. 

Here is said list: 

Place DVD's in storage containers to better organize closet

Do laundry 

Vacuum already 

Find a way to better organize the makeup/hair accessories 

place clothes in an order that makes sense

Wash bathroom rugs

Clean out/Wash car  

Get oil change 

Run at least three times a week 

Finish watching season 4 of Lost 

Play Video Games and relax!!! 

I've already put a lot of pressure on myself to get a bunch of stuff done over the next two weeks, and on top of that I'll be going to Vegas in the middle of my vacation. At first I wasn't sure I wanted to go, but I haven't been in a good 7 months and what a better time to spend forced time off. I need to just relax, and enjoy that I have time off now to prepare for a long stretch of work where I'll be making a decent chunk of change. I think if I just keep organized, and I let myself be aware of what I want this living space to feel like I'll be fine. Maybe I'll even come up with an art project or two to make the room feel more lived in. We'll see! 

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

It was just a suggestion.

Every once in a while I get that sense of loneliness and solitude. Like I'm an island, and the mainland is off somewhere chatting about me; a bunch of girls gossiping about how they think I'm ok, but they don't really like me, or want to like me. I'd like to say that this feeling is unique, but I'm fairly certain we've all experienced it before. 

When I have this feeling, my urge is to assume that I've done something to annoy people, and I should probably step off the scene for a while. I had that sense today. I felt like I misread a tone, and suddenly I couldn't tell who my friends were, who my enemies were, and who might fit that grey "frenemies" category. You know, the people you're friends with, only so long as you have to be, but you know that once you're not together you assume they are saying something about your behavior, or your hair-do, and they just don't give themselves to you in a way that you can trust. But it's ok because you don't give yourself to them either: there's just something so fake about the relationship. And no one's at fault. We can't give ourselves to each other all the time. If we could all be friends, then we wouldn't have to conceptualize world peace. 

As I get older the circle of people I trust gets smaller, but more intimate and loving. I don't let anyone in right away like I used to, and new relationships develop far less often, and a whole lot slower. I'm ok with this, and part of the trepidatious feelings I felt earlier may have come from realizing that I had put too much faith in a friendship that hadn't quite been fully formed or realized yet. I think I'd like to put more effort into realizing the source of hurt feelings, and make sure my personal journey doesn't get tripped up by someone else's lack of knowledge about me. Or their lack or caring, for that matter. I am what I am. I love who I love. I do what I can. And I'd like to succeed. 

Tuesday, January 6, 2009


I spend far too much time on a social networking site. I'm not too proud of this. I've become obsessed with the actions of the people I'm friends with, and I can note things about folks I haven't seen in over ten years. I've noticed that I've begun to misinterpret people's tone. I forget what they sound like in real life, and what implications the sentence they write might have. Sometimes I take things too seriously, and some things not serious enough. 

I read someone's status and it said "___ has fallen in love." and I thought "Wow, good for her..." Then I thought about this person, and it seemed highly unlikely for them to write something so serious, and so bold. I realized that I took what I had read and made it sound how I wanted it to. Or how I liked how it sounded. 

I've done a lot of keeping myself in check lately. I serious necessity. I can't let my heart get away with my head. I need my head to make sure not to screw things up. I like how I am, and I don't think I should have to compromise it. My tone of voice should be the same out loud as it is on the page. I don't know if that makes any sense at all.