I saw a girl on the street today, and she was smiling so big. I thought "She must be having an upswing." She must be dating someone great, have a good job, be able to go shopping when she needs to, living somewhere great, and just being great at life. And I thought "I wish it would just all come together for me." Right now my tires need changing. My job's about to end. I'm tired all the time. I just don't feel like that girl on the street. Every once in a while, though, I have to admit, my heart gets a flutter these days, so I'm pretty confident that I can be that girl on the street with the big smile on my face. I just need to hold onto that flutter for a little bit longer. Keep those butterflies living in my heart!
Friday, October 24, 2008
I might have a case of the blues. I could barely get out of bed today, and I've been having wicked dreams. I'm not entirely sure I know my own city anymore. I used to have comfort living here, and now I just feel like a stranger. No, I feel unwelcome, and that's so much worse. It's like my favorite pair of shoes got wet and now they don't fit. I'm not sure how that works, but I never thought I would be the kind of person who could feel that way. A swirling spiral of uncertainty. I'd like to think that I'm going to "come out of this" but sometimes, after I've looked back at everything I've written, and all I've lived through, that there isn't an end to that uncertainty. You never do feel comfortable.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Day to day we don't know what the world is going to give us. In return we hope only to be able to have an idea of what we can give it back. Somedays I am completely clueless as to what I can potentially offer this world. The definition of world here is very specific to me. I relate it to MY world, the world in which I've partially created, the one where I've placed myself and my life upon an even greater world. Think of the Universe as a field, and our world as a campground. My world is a tent on that campground. Who and what I let in and out of that tent is entirely up to me...sometimes. Sometimes bugs let themselves in. But that's a different analogy.
When I wake up in the morning I step out of my tent and I see what the world has for me, and I present myself to the world. Lately I've been wondering about what I have to offer, and what I can do to make it more than what I've done. My world is so small, and I know because of how small it is I can do more for that which is in it. Or maybe I don't mean anything more than what I've already stood for.
I guess in a roundabout way I'm trying to say that I want to mean more to you than I already have, because I want to show you how much you mean to me. And I'm not really sure I know how to do that. And I don't think I'm trying hard enough. My self worth is brought into question and a mirror is put in front of me. How do I get the reflection just right? The reflection can't change unless I change it myself. And I think working to improve that is a life long journey, and I think finding people to inspire that improvement is essential.
Or maybe Tyler Durden was right: "Self improvement is masturbation."
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
I need new brakes. I keep accidentally writing "breaks" and that would be something completely different. I hate needing stuff like this because it's something I don't want to pay for but will have to. It's ok, car repairs are long overdue, but I'd be a lot more comfortable with this if I wasn't going to be out of work in a few weeks. Oh yeah, I'm going to be out of work in a few weeks and if you hear of something, keep me posted. I have yet to be in full panic mode about this. I feel like I have a security net somewhere that I'm falling towards and will eventually hit, but I just haven't fallen long enough to see it in sight. I don't go unemployed, it's not my style. I think because I like to be busy, have something to do, and working allows me to do something without having to be creative enough to come up with a hobby. Sad, isn't it, to have work be your hobby? At least my hobby pays.
For now I concentrate on the brakes at hand, and a weekend getaway that is so close I can taste the cheese. I'm not one to often make rash decisions, but lately I've had a pretty good reason to follow the more wild side of my head and heart. There's this older woman who lives in my new apartment building. I don't think she's alone, but she spends a lot of time milling about the courtyard. I don't think I'll be alone when I get older, or rather I hope not to be, but if I do end up that way I would love to be sitting in that courtyard thinking of the strange and exciting things I did at 28, instead of regretting not having done them. I know that sounds so cliche, or so obvious, but a lot of people sit by the way side and let things happen past them, or don't even have the opportunity at all and here I sit on my island of wonderful chance. How dare I not take all of it. How shameful to give it all up.
Do what you love, and love what you do, I suppose. And right now there is no doubt in my mind that I love what I'm doing. There are just not enough hours of the day for me to enjoy it in its fullest.
Friday, October 3, 2008
I live by something that Suze Orman said (that Roxanne told me): Never put yourself on sale. I use it for work. I make sure that when I walk into a job interview I know how much I'm worth, and I know not to settle under that number. These people shouldn't warrant a deal. I start working, and I usually give it my all (ok, so I'm writing this while at work, but then again, my cute coworker just offered me some scotch. Granted, it's the end of his day, and the beginning of mine, but I've seen Mad Men, you can work on a liquid lunch.) In short, work should get what they're paying for.
He says you give new meaning to the world "sweater."
Now I'm wondering how, in a part of my life where I'm not getting paid, can I translate this?What is my friendship worth? What can I offer the opposite sex? What am I worth to you? I guess we never really know our value to others. Heck, the people in my life might not know how incredibly important they are to me. I'd hate for them to think it was less than I have given. I also hope to not set anyone astray. It's a moral obligation to the people I love to make my intentions known, and it's even more important not to abuse the feelings of others.
Honey, do you want to hear some fusion??
Do I want to know what I'm worth to you? And would it change who I am if I knew? I probably would change the dynamic if I didn't like what I heard. But I know the right and wrong answer changes daily, because we're constantly in flux. No one's is happy with everyone and everything all the time. And if you are, please tell me your secret. Does it involve sedatives?