I am still living with your ghost

A few months back I made it my personal mission to write a blog once a day for a week. I hoped that it would renew some sort of desire to write, having found it difficult to adjust to the new blog format I had chosen. It clearly didn't work. I went 2 months without writing anything until today, and I'm not proud of it. The truth is, I just haven't had much to say. 

I wonder why that is? why I could go months and months and months at a time where I almost had to blog twice a day, to now barely being able to string sentences together? Maybe I should start out small and work my way up to something with a little more content. 

Starting small I can say that I went to Boston on a whim and had no idea what I was in for, and in the middle of a Saturday I found myself sitting under a shady tree, eating a falafel with a great friend, in the grass of Boston Common. It was the second time this year where I found myself in that space, in Boston Common experiencing a very magical moment, and there was this sense of ease. I realize that this feeling has been more and more frequent in my life. It's rewarding and tells me I'm doing something right with my life. I might be single, and jobless right now, but I'm not lost, broke or alone. And I'm certainly not unhappy. 

Harder to Get Out Of

I'm not entirely sure if I've become better at my new job and I'm finishing projects faster, or I've begun to settle into the routine of it. But just like that *poof* it's going to be over in a number of days, and I'll be back at what always feels like square one. I'm not as prepared for unemployment as I should be, but I have a feeling, like most of my stints, it won't last too long.

I have this undeniable feeling that I'm missing something. Like the feeling of a phantom limb. As if there's a portion of my life that I'm seriously neglecting or missing. Bills, work, friends: I seem to be on top of it, but I can't quite help but feel like someone, or something out there needs me, and I don't even know it. I do know that I have a stack of emails that I, at one point in time, intended to respond to, one being my childhood friend, with whom I haven't had correspondence with since I was 11-years-old. She's a graphic designer somewhere in Quebec  now. It's strange, but it isn't really, that most of my closest friends while I was growing up moved on to do something creative with their lives. It makes me so happy to hear that. It makes me so proud to be a part of that. 

Sometimes I wish I was more contributive, and less creative. I've been watching The West Wing lately and it serves as a reminder that there is a group of people far more intellectual than me, that have ever right to laugh when I tell them what I do. "We create the laws and policies you live by, and dictate the way in which this country moves" they could say. I am envious, because I know that, even if I did feel I had the brain capacity to take part in this, I wouldn't have the drive or the stamina to be a part of that culture. It's a shame really. I shouldn't complain, though. I take part in something that makes millions of people happy (or irritated, I don't know, really. I would have to watch non biased people watch the show...)

In completely unrelated news: Jessica Simpson bought Tony Romo a boat for his birthday. A BOAT. I don't know why this makes me roll my eyes as hard as I can, maybe because she's no longer relevant yet still has the money to buy her boyfriend a $100,000 boat. I guess if I were her i'd want to do the same thing. After all, love is fleeting, and she knows this. She had to see pictures of her ex having sex with some MTV VeeJay in an infinity pool. I've decided to limit my crushes to a week MAX. Not worth letting emotions get out of control and in the way of bigger and better things, really. Compton's already claimed the week of June 29th. I wonder what Katty Kay and her Womenomics have to say about that? 

Like I never needed love before

I had to buy a new air freshner for my car. I choose the one that hangs over my mirror now for two reasons 1. it was a pink dolphin 2. the scent advertised was "Love Spell." For your information, Love Spell is similar smelling to all designer impostor perfumes that you can buy at the dollar store. I didn't realize love was so cheap. 

This just started playing on my iTunes: 

When I was 17 there was a big part of me that was too embarrassed to admit to liking the Spice Girls. Now, at 28, I regret not having gone to their "reunion" tour. I love losing that "cool," because it makes me feel so much cooler. I know that doesn't make much sense, but releasing that fear of other people's opinions, and just loving what you love is so satisfying. I loved the new Star Trek movie. I thought it was great, and fun, and I'm probably going to see it again, and I'm unapologetic for thinking that, though Karl Urban might have been over the top, I enjoyed every minute of his version of "Bones" McCoy. I have plans to see Ghosts of Girlfriends' Past, and truth be told, I'll probably like that one just as much (so long as Matthew McCone-unspellablelastname-ghey and Jennifer Garner end up together in the end *fingers crossed*) 

Button on my Tongue

You made me laugh today without even knowing it. Not a loud belly laugh, or a coy blush, but a genuine laugh. I could feel it in my heart. I could feel it in my gut. Guts...that's a funny word. 

I listen to this soft sweet music right now. It makes me want to dance in a cotton dress, barefoot in the grass and under the stars, with this hot wind whipping around me, my hair dancing to its own rhythm. I'm happy to be able to say that I do remember the last time my toes felt the grass between them. Now if only I could remember the last time my toes felt the sand. 

My hands are a mess. I can't stop biting and peeling the skin off them. I gnaw at my nails constantly. I suppose it's an attempt to cool my jets. I know I'm nervous about the new job. I can't tell how I'm doing because the feedback seems to always be positive in this industry, no matter what they might be saying when you're not around. One day I'm going to bite away the fingerprints.

to make sentences

I see the future like a stained glass window with no design. The broken pieces of glass come to represent fragments of my life put together in a portrait making up an abstract whole. This whole means something. It's something different to everyone who looks at it: a past, a present a future. It's beautifully put together for some, horribly arranged for others. I feel the dryness on my fingers, but the moisture on my body. It's a reminder that I feel anything at all. The soothing sounds of drums and voices envelope me as I think about the smell of that perfume I apply to the backs of my legs for you. I dream of India, of Egypt. Of linen fabrics draped over windows keeping the sun out, and the cool in. Your eyes sparkle a blue frost over me, acting as the breeze through that fabric does, running through my hair, over my shoulders, lovingly across my face. You see the red in my cheeks. I know you see it because I see the red in yours. "I need you here, this night" in the desert heat. 

I tuck the rock back into my pocket and do not throw it into the lake. This one I save. I save knowing that I shouldn't; it is meant to get lost at the bottom with the others. It's smoothness settles, and it is unique. It is mine. 

Super Delicious

I live a charmed life filled with jewel tones and happy thoughts. It's an amazing life, and I never forget how blessed I am. I do, however, forget the people around me, and how they aren't always full of love, like myself. 

I'm turning 29 this year. I've already accepted two things: 1. I don't like it, and 2. I can't stop it. I've begun to tell myself that I am, in fact, 29. There are a lot of things I thought I would be when I was 29, and single wasn't one of them. But it's ok because everything else about it is superdelicious. By the end of my 29th year I'll have paid off my car, finished my 5th year of consistent employment within the entertainment industry, I will have lived in Los Angeles for a little more than 9 years, and hope to have a nest egg larger than I could have dreamed of when I was working retail. I have a handful of friends and family who have proven to want to do anything for me. I think that I have to take a few minutes of my time to write this all down so that I can remember that when that time comes, when I begin that 29th year, I make sure to keep these quintessential truths of my life in tact and be able to be there for the people who have been with me year after year. Them being there for me has made me who I am. I don't want to let them down because, in the end, I would be letting myself down. 

I hope you all know how thankful I am for you. How greatful. And if you don't, please tell me how I can show you. 

Small Talk

I asked myself 'what I would say if someone asked me "What are you up to these days?"' That answer probably shouldn't be said out loud, but it makes me laugh, so here it is: 

Well, I've been wearing high heels and spring clothing, avoiding having to do my hair nicely considering my bangs looked good for a total of 15 seconds after I got them cut, and now I don't know what to do with them. I've been trying to figure out how to use skype so I can call Canada and stop feeling guilty about being so cheap when I don't. This has proven to be more difficult than I thought (sometimes I don't know how I got a job in a tech field at all.) I've been avoiding any responsibility at work, looking at internet dresses I don't buy. And am fairly certain this man and I are going to meet and fall in love one day. It really is only a matter of time. I've also been avoiding drinking water, and my workout schedule is pretty lax. I am not proud of either of these things.