Friday, January 1, 2010

Resolve and Be a Man

My resolution this year is to make a cheesecake. And to consolidate my makeup bins to make more room in my closet for the crap I've accumulated. I'm going to keep the resolution I made last year, as I believe resolutions should really be ongoing until you've managed perfection, and we all know that perfection is unattainable. I do believe I could make a perfect cheesecake. I'm thinking a white chocolate raspberry cheesecake.

I had a good day yesterday. I cried a hearty cry, the kind where you're afraid you won't be able to stop. Videotape by Radiohead came on the stereo and I was in deep thought, thinking of my mothers friend Damien. He passed away in October. He had diabetes and had stubbed his toe, I think. His injury was mistreated and to make a long story short, he passed away unexpectedly. I thought of my mother, how this man was her dear friend, and a date, and sometimes companion, and how she might have felt like this man was going to be there for her, a new love, and how fleeting life is. I know what a broken heart feels like, and how hopeless it can seem, but how much worse it must feel when neither person is responsible for the loss. It makes me scared to try and love someone new. It makes me afraid that love isn't even out there.

I hate to admit it, but I don't know what to do next.

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