Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Fatty fatty two-by-four

I don't know if I look heavy, but I feel it. I feel like I've gained weight over the holiday season, and I can't shake it. I feel like whenever I'm around food, I can't help myself but eat it. I went out to both dinner and lunch today, and though I made OK choices, but I know better than to eat out twice. I buy "healthy alternative" snacks but eat them entirely on my own. I run, I run a lot, but I eat, I eat a lot. And there is no counter balancing, it seems. My belt goes from the average hole I wear it on to the looser, instead of the average and the tighter. I feel like I'm busting out of my skin. Like ripping at the seams. All my outside the house activities deal with food, as do the lounging in doors activities. People have stopped telling me I look good. This breaks me the most. 

And the scary thing about it all is that I'm comfortable most days. When I'm eating I'm unapologetic. I do it blindly. And now I sit here terrified, afraid at the mistake I'm making. I'm afraid of seeing myself slowly turn into that fat girl again. I hate that fat girl. She's miserable and lonely and who wants to be that? Not me. I just don't know how to change it. I've done it before, but I don't know how to get it under control. I forget, and I need help. 

I need HELP. 

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