When I have this feeling, my urge is to assume that I've done something to annoy people, and I should probably step off the scene for a while. I had that sense today. I felt like I misread a tone, and suddenly I couldn't tell who my friends were, who my enemies were, and who might fit that grey "frenemies" category. You know, the people you're friends with, only so long as you have to be, but you know that once you're not together you assume they are saying something about your behavior, or your hair-do, and they just don't give themselves to you in a way that you can trust. But it's ok because you don't give yourself to them either: there's just something so fake about the relationship. And no one's at fault. We can't give ourselves to each other all the time. If we could all be friends, then we wouldn't have to conceptualize world peace.
As I get older the circle of people I trust gets smaller, but more intimate and loving. I don't let anyone in right away like I used to, and new relationships develop far less often, and a whole lot slower. I'm ok with this, and part of the trepidatious feelings I felt earlier may have come from realizing that I had put too much faith in a friendship that hadn't quite been fully formed or realized yet. I think I'd like to put more effort into realizing the source of hurt feelings, and make sure my personal journey doesn't get tripped up by someone else's lack of knowledge about me. Or their lack or caring, for that matter. I am what I am. I love who I love. I do what I can. And I'd like to succeed.
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